From Life to Death

Death is a mistress
Looking for it's next victim
Death never gives mercy

Life can disappear
Faster than raindrops hit the ground
Life's end we cannot control

We meet our maker in the sky
Who has decided our fate
Based on the life we have lived

Our second life of eternity
Predetermined by our earthly lives
Our choices shape our outcome

How we carry out our lives
Impacts the future and history
We all leave a footprint on Earth

We determine whether the imprint
beautifies or damages the Earth
Our actions and words do matter

Everyday and every moment matter
We know not our chosen moment
For death to turn us back to dust

Unknown Father

Unknown Father

You left me and my brother at age four after the divorce,
Just because my mom took us away and left you behind.
We never got any other phone calls or visits from you,
You never even sent us any birthday cards or letters.

Why did you punish my brother and I for what mom did?
We were not to blame for your drinking and mental state.
Not our fault that my mom cheated on you while married,
She never admitted that, but she did when she met Dad.

Not our fault that you were an abusive drunk who beat her,
And was controlling and short tempered around us all.
You were not around to be a reasonable and loving parent,
Much trauma and abuse occurred in our house as a child.

We were beaten with a belt and had objects thrown at us,
I was scared of my mom's husband I was to call "Dad".
My mom belittled us and made us feel self conscious,
I never felt like I was good enough or worthy of love.

Where were you when I needed my real father there?
Where were you on our birthdays and the holidays?
I needed you to save me from various abuse and pain,
But you were nowhere to be seen or heard from again.

You even ran from the government to avoid paying,
Child support in the end was even too much work.
I despised you until I found out that you were dead,
Then I wished I had known you as my father and dad.

I wish I had found you and known who you really were,
All I have is stories that I was told which could be lies.
Your brother/my uncle contacted me after you died,
And I found out that you were more than an alcoholic.

You also were unusual, short tempered and bipolar,
See I was once diagnosed bipolar and am a bit strange.
I never understood how I fit into my modern day family,
Learning these things explained a few things about me.

I am glad to know this family now that I never knew,
You stole many years of me knowing them as family,
Their kindness and generosity was surprising to me,
They did not know me for over twenty five years.

I will never know who you really were personally,
I will only know what others have told me about you.
I was also told after your death that you were kind,
And that you were generous despite your shortcomings.

I wish I knew the truth and had gotten to know you father.
I never will get to know you and see what you were like.
I only get to know your family and see you through them.
I mourn what I never had; I never will get to meet you now.

Holiday Blues (A Poem of Loss)

The magic of Christmas is alive and well,
But my loss forms a storm cloud over me.
I feel sadness in my heart instead of joy.
Someone I once had and cherished is gone.

At a time when I should feel happy and free,
I am painting a smile on my face with lipstick.
I adorn my body with festive, bright clothes,
All while I mourn inside for what I loved.

I watch others with loved ones and envy them,
I miss her and wish I had her around longer.
She was taken away from me before her time,
Her life was cut shorter than any life should be.

I wish I could see them and get another chance,
See what kind of person she would grow into.
If I could change one thing this would be it,
For a life should never be taken away so soon.

Life is Not Fair, But Life is Still Good

"Life is not fair" is a quote often used by parents to their children and by people in general. With recent events that have happened to a few of my friends as well as myself, I can see how this is an absolute truth. I see people who are working hard to become who they want to be. I see individuals that are saddled down by sudden tragedies and heartaches. Breaks my heart to see those I love be hurt by the cruelty of life and its difficult situations. I know "everything happens for reason" as another commonly stated quote says, but sometimes the explanation behind certain events is hard to find or digest. I want to see the good in everything, but sometimes I feel unable to find much good in a world filled with bad news and numerous unpleasant situations. That being said, I will not give up on life. Life contains some great experiences and I want to see what is next for me and for others in my life. I know things will eventually get better, they have to at some point. I have been through and seen plenty of tough times in my past. Somehow I eventually moved on from those events. Surely I can make it through this set of obstacles and cross the finish line as a victor of my own demons, situations, and emotional baggage. Even if I need outside help, I will overcome my own difficulties once again.

My Observations About Death

Sometimes death comes gradually and is somewhat expected.
Other times, death comes over for an unexpected, terrible visit.
Death steals the lives of loved ones, enemies, and eventually us.
Unfortunately I often see the good ones die before the evildoers.

I wish that I could see death spare the good, right, and beautiful.
These individuals still have much to do when they are taken away.
Life leaves them quickly with unfinished business and dead dreams.
Often they could benefit from additional time to be alive and well.

However, you also see many who do evil and live despite everything.
Life treats them well despite their wishes to make others miserable.
They go out of their way to harm others and are selfish individuals.
They squander opportunities and waste their time on useless things.

Why do the good people of the world often die before the evildoers?
I would like to know a good reason to keep jerks from passing away.
I know everything happens for a reason, but I do not understand this.
Please start saving the good of the world and perish this residing evil.

Inside the Dark Curtain

Anxiety and isolation drape over me,
Like a heavy curtain over a window.
So dark and suffocating inside here,
That I can barely take a deep breath.

My senses are closed off from this;
I cannot see what others are doing.
I am so consumed by my own self,
That I cannot hear the cries of others.

All I can think about is getting away,
Escaping to a peaceful place alone.
This stress is eating me for breakfast,
Like a large, starved, ravenous beast.

Something needs to change now,
I feel frozen and stuck in my mind.
I am socially shy and incompetent,
Despite my often talkative nature.

I want to be extroverted in crowds,
But I am not and often run from them.
Anxiety and stress rule over my life,
I wish to stop this crippling cycle.

One day I will be in a social situation,
Without fear of rejection and ridicule.
One day I will just openly communicate,
Without someone pushing me to do so.

I Can't Help You Unless You Want Help

I see your fragile, small body in front of me,
Beaten down, wrecked, and attacked.
Drugs, sickness, and time have drained you;
I am not sure how much more you can take.

I worry daily about your safety and well being,
I don't want you to die at such a young age.
I am not much younger than you are right now,
And I know that I am not ready to pass away.

I keep trying to save you from your demons,
But I know that I cannot save you from this.
Unless you want to escape your addictions,
You will never get better or obtain your dreams.

There are many hidden talents locked in you,
Deep inside you have skills I can only dream of.
I wish you would use them and not abuse them,
You are wasting what has been given to you.

 It is not too late for you to overcome your vices,
Not too late to turn your life into something great.
You don't have to be the helpless victim anymore,
We are now adults that control our own destiny.

I want you to be able to see what I see in you,
You are someone special to me, an old friend.
You are one of my greatest allies that I have,
I am not ready to let go of what can be for you.

I will never quit fighting for you as long as you live,
Despite these mistakes your life's has not concluded.
Please seek help with dealing with your vicious vices,
I have had to go seek help in my own darkest hours.

Your getting help is not a sign of weakness to me,
Doing this is the ultimate sign of power and strength.
While I cannot force you to get the help you need,
I can support you while you do this for yourself.

I just want you to know that I will always love you,
No matter what happens you are still my friend.
While I am pleading for you to get clean and sober,
I can't help you unless you want to change your life.

My Sudden Loss - One Year Ago Today

Amazing how my life has changed from a year ago today. This time last year I was excited about welcoming a new boy or girl into the world with my husband. Since I have PCOS and he has a low count, the pregnancy I was having was a miracle in my mind. Especially since we did not have any fertility treatments, which the doctors thought I would need. While that pregnancy was not completely planned, we were happy about it and were making preparations to welcome him or her into the world. My due date was July 7, 2011 and I was 10 weeks along in my pregnancy when the most horrible thing happened to my unborn child.

I had a miscarriage on 12/9/2010, which was one year ago today. I got home from work that day and was really tired, had some pains, and was feeling sick. I didn't think much of it since I was having small pains on and off in the pelvic area  for the past two weeks and often got a slight bit sick in the afternoon which would sometimes last until I went to bed. My sickness was more of a afternoon into the evening sickness than the advertised morning sickness. I had no idea what was about to happen and had never been pregnant before, so I had nothing to compare this to.

Next thing I know I am starting to bleed like I am starting my period, except that my cramps were 5-10 times worse than normal and the bleeding was different. Really heavy and watery with huge clots. I was absolutely panicky. My husband and I consulted my OB/GYN, whom I had switched to a few weeks before. She specializes in PCOS and infertility issues and is the first good OB/GYN I have had. She told me that I was probably miscarrying. She made an appointment for me to get checked out the next week and told me to go to the ER if things got any worse. Lucky for me I passed it all through at home and even went to work the next day wearing an overnight pad with more of them in my purse. It was the shortest "period" I had ever had, but was also the most painful. I even saw grayish tissue in the toilet a few times, which made me really sad. Within three days it was all down to spotting. I still held on to hope that maybe my baby survived, but deep down knew it was all over.

A few days later, I went to the doctor and had my HCG tested. There was not any left in my system and she confirmed that the baby was gone. I had a follow up appointment a few weeks later where she made sure I passed everything through and I had. This tragic event nearly ruined my Christmas and I cried hysterically on Christmas morning when I woke up. I also had a few vivid dreams about the baby after the miscarriage and during my pregnancy as well. I know he or she is up there and I will see my baby in the afterlife.

My husband took this news as badly as I did, since he really wanted a child and I am sure he loved the baby. I could go either way, but I was sad simply because I was already attached to them and was mentally ready for them to come into the world. Took me about 2-3 months to start to heal from this and I am not sure that my husband fully did. We both talk about it every now and then and are closer than ever despite this tragic loss.

Now a year later we both have changed some and evaluate life differently. I count my blessings and am thankful to have a few great people in my life, a decent place to live, a good job, college to attend, and my two cats among many other things. Looking back I see that while we would have been good parents to that child, we were not completely ready to be parents at that time. Now I hope to one day adopt a child or two. I might try having another one, but not for awhile. Looking over my life, I decided it was more important for me to finish college and to get myself more together before bringing an adopted child into my home or having a baby. I have about 2-2.5 years until I graduate. I will revisit the idea of having children when I get my bachelor's degree. By then I will be 29-30 years old which is fine, especially since I am very open to adoption if I cannot concieve a child.

In Memory of the Remaining

For some reason we are still living here,
While others we have loved are gone.
Our memories for them still live inside,
While physically they are no longer here.

We are as strong as an expert weight lifter,
As we hold on to these bittersweet memories.
We are learning to live without them,
We are trying to move on without them.

For we cannot live in the past that we formed,
We must live in the present where we are.
What's done is done; they really are gone,
And we must accept what has happened.

Nothing that we can do can change the past,
We must accept the present and move on.
We can live without the ones that have died,
And we can learn to live without them now.

We can make new and marvelous memories,
That will help us enjoy our present and future.
Let's move on from these tremendous tragedies,
Let's honor the dead we adored by loving life.