From Life to Death

Death is a mistress
Looking for it's next victim
Death never gives mercy

Life can disappear
Faster than raindrops hit the ground
Life's end we cannot control

We meet our maker in the sky
Who has decided our fate
Based on the life we have lived

Our second life of eternity
Predetermined by our earthly lives
Our choices shape our outcome

How we carry out our lives
Impacts the future and history
We all leave a footprint on Earth

We determine whether the imprint
beautifies or damages the Earth
Our actions and words do matter

Everyday and every moment matter
We know not our chosen moment
For death to turn us back to dust

Living Through Rejection

I keep falling down to my knees,
and I keep getting right back up.
Yet the rejections keep coming.

I try to deal with disappointment.
I try to have faith that I will make it.
Yet I keep falling down and failing.

No matter how hard I work at life,
No matter what I do with my life,
Nothing is changing for the better.

College did not change my life.
Working hard did not change my life.
I still have the same job I had before.

I keep having faith that I will succeed,
I keep applying to jobs and praying to God,
Yet I am still stuck in the same spot.

My life is remaining unchanged.
My life feels hopeless and worthless.
Yet I keep telling myself to keep going.

I will climb out of the hole in the ground.
I will succeed and be something more.
I need to do more than this with my life.

Inside the Dark Curtain

Anxiety and isolation drape over me,
Like a heavy curtain over a window.
So dark and suffocating inside here,
That I can barely take a deep breath.

My senses are closed off from this;
I cannot see what others are doing.
I am so consumed by my own self,
That I cannot hear the cries of others.

All I can think about is getting away,
Escaping to a peaceful place alone.
This stress is eating me for breakfast,
Like a large, starved, ravenous beast.

Something needs to change now,
I feel frozen and stuck in my mind.
I am socially shy and incompetent,
Despite my often talkative nature.

I want to be extroverted in crowds,
But I am not and often run from them.
Anxiety and stress rule over my life,
I wish to stop this crippling cycle.

One day I will be in a social situation,
Without fear of rejection and ridicule.
One day I will just openly communicate,
Without someone pushing me to do so.

Cuts and Scratches Run Deeper Than the Surface

This entry is based on my journey with cutting or self-harm which is something I did on and off from the age of 17 to 19. While my case was minor compared to some I have heard of, I still have a scar on my wrist and a few discolorations on my arm since stopping over seven years ago. The discolorations are much more obvious during the summer when the sun lightly tans my pale skin. I mostly scratched myself and occasionally cut or scratched hard enough to make me bleed. Here is my self harm journey and how I got out of this life threatening habit.

I remember starting this practice my junior year of high school. I had went through a lot that year. I involuntarily lost my viginity that year and went through hell with trying to get this guy prosecuted for raping me. He ended up getting a year probation for this and that only happened because I was under 18. He also was given a restraining order to stay away from me for two years. I will remember that day forever and how so few believed that I really was raped. I was forced to take the morning after pill since I was told if I did not and ended up pregnant, they would make me get an abortion. Keep in mind this order came from my christian conservative parents who were pro life. While I was not against abortion, I did not want to abort any babies if it came to that. I hated having those decisions made for me as most of mine were at that time.

The lost of control of my life that resulted from the rape which I barely controlled at all to begin with caused me to seek a way to releave stress and tension. While I did other things at the time to make me feel better, this was one I could do at home in my bedroom. I could hide it in the winter on my arms and during the summer I did it less, but could do my upper legs if I absolutely needed to. I was not going to wear long sleeves all year. The safety pins would scratch the surface of my skin, making pink marks that would sting and hurt.

These safety pins were more than just an instrument to deface my skin with. Safety pins at the time became one of my fashion statements as a punk/metal/goth type of teenager. While I was not allowed to get much from stores like hot topic, I did put my own spin on regular clothes and wore a lot of darker colors. These safety pins that I fastened to clothes and even wore them as bracelets and earrings, were also my main instrument of choice. I could scratch and prick myself on purpose with this small tool and focus on that pain instead of the pain I was going through. Occasionally I would make a small cut if this was not enough for me that day. For the longest time I thought I had complete control of this practice. I had scratches and marks, but they were well hidden and very few left scars.

Then a few years later, I almost went too far. I was on an anti depressant and was feeling manic during my freshman year of college. I was experimenting with who I could be and was making poor choices. One day, this led me to want to die and I started to scratch and cut myself as I had done before. It was not enough this time, so I got a pair of scissors to use on my wrist. This was the only instrument I could find to do some bigger damage. I felt I had messed up my life so much, there was no reason to live. I had unstable relationships, very few real friends, and was using drinking, smoking, and other things to get through the day. I also was gaining weight and hated myself for it. Mentally I felt like my present and my past were pushing me to the edge. I got lucky this day, my friend knocked on my door as I was getting ready to make a cut that probably would have been fatal. I tried to hide everything and answered the door. He came in and saw my arms. There were scratches and cuts all over them and he figured out what I was doing. He was the first person to ever notice this. I felt so ashamed, that I brought this up during my next session with the psychiatrist and I got myself into recovery.

Ever since that day, I have stayed away from causing myself self harm. One of the things that keeps me from doing this is looking at my scar on my wrist and remembering how close I came to possibly ending my life. The curiousity of what is to come in my future keeps me going and away from the sharp objects. I also try to treat my body as a temple now instead of something I hate and don't care about. I now have been clean of this for over seven years and I feel confident that I will never do this again. While it was a stress relever in the short run, it also made me mutilate myself and feel dirty for what I did.

Somehow my mom and stepdad never found out that I ever did this. It was better for them not to know. Especially since I often received threats from them to be institutionalized if I didn't stop being so wierd. At times they would wonder why I was in my room all the time when I was home and did not tell them much. I think it was pretty obvious why, they did not accept me for what I was and always wanted me to be someone else. Now I just accept that I am who I am and I try to be positive about life each and every day.

If any of you have ever done this to yourselves or know someone who has, share that with us if you are comfortable doing that. If you know someone who does this now, I hope you can somehow get them the help they need to stop. This is a real issue, especially among teenagers and young adults.

My Trip Into Another Life

Down into the darkness from the light I go,
As the painted sunset disappears from the sky.
It's not quite dark yet, but also not quite light.

Somewhere in between is where I dwell now,
Daylight can no longer be chased by me today.
Now the noctural are awaking from their lairs.

I feel unsettled here in the dusky skied forest,
As the creatures of the night start their day.
I wish to escape, but curosity keeps me here.

I see a female creature with skin like snow.
Her lips look like they are painted with blood.
She appears eerily beautiful and dangerous.

I am afraid, yet I cannot get my legs to move,
Too deep in the forest and the snow to leave.
She comes closer and closer to my mortal body.

Swiftly she moves, as if she is a train or a plane;
She is faster than I can ever be on my two feet.
Quickly she comes to a halt right in front of me.

I feel my life in danger in front of this dark girl,
Little did I know that I was about to be reborn.
The transition into my second life was that night.

As she touched my long, thin, unblemished neck,
And she began to sink her teeth into the right side.
She made her distinct mark and took some blood.

No wonder her lips were crimson even in the night,
She was a vampire and she had come to feed tonight.
I soon fainted from the blood loss and she stopped.

Hours, maybe days later I woke up in a strange house,
One that looked like a dark version of the victorian era.
I saw in the mirror that I now had the same pale skin.

I knew I was no longer the same as I was immediately;
My life was changed forever by that one moonlit walk.
I was now like the fair maiden in the night I discovered.

I was a vampire too and for some reason I was chosen,
Rather than just fed on like so many she bit in the night.
Thankful to be alive I started my life with my maker.

The Light

As I pass around the curvy bend,
I see a bright, yellow beam of light.
A visible aura of brightness is there,
For some reason this light is here now.

Here to show me many wonders,
and the beauty that exists in my life.
That one exists and cares about me,
As much as anyone else on this earth.

This light is warm and radiates,
Gently from the sky into my skin.
As I continue to walk along the path,
The bright light gets more intense.

I feel as if someone is here with me,
Even though I am walking alone.
As I come to a clearing with no trees,
I stop and kneel to pray in the light.

The dark clouds present in my soul,
Floated out of my body as I prayed.
The light of the sun filtered into me,
And filled my heart with pure joy.

My being is being showered with love,
The light is more than the shining sun.
This light is a sign of something more,
More than what my eyes can ever see.

Even when I am stuck in the darkness,
Someone still cares for me and loves me.
There is more to life than what I can see,
Someone created this earth for us all.

Now I am filled with this bright light,
And I am ready to share this delight.
Ready to go forth and spread my joy,
To be that light to others around me.