Can I Come Out Now As the Real Me?

As life takes a turn into the darkness,
Solitary living is no longer a comfort.
While you feel imprisoned in yourself,
You wish someone could rescue you.

You wish that everything would end,
That worries would resolve themselves.
The pressure to handle everything right,
That intense feeling is almost too much.

Trapped tears remain behind my eyes,
Secrets stay safe in the back of my mind.
The pressure to please others is immense,
I yet to learn to not care what they think.

I want to be myself and not have "selves",
But cannot let go of their earned approval.
Actual me contains parts many would hate,
I accept them yet am fearing their rejection.

I am not the person they expect me to be,
I am not straight, conservative, and perky.
Instead I am a realist, free spirited, bisexual,
And not as religious as some would think.

I am ready to let my true self out in my life,
But am fearing rejection and hate from family.
I am fearing being kicked out of certain things,
I fear my life being ruined by my truthfulness.

However, I am no longer comfortable living,
With secrets and my many assumed persona's.
I feel I am old enough to live as my true self,
But am I ready to surrender and face my critics?

One Woman's Troubling Thoughts

Downtown in the brain of a young woman,
Lives many thoughts like people in the city.
Some of these thoughts come and go quickly,
Others thoughts linger longer than they should.

While the quick moving ideas are often good,
Many of the slower thoughts are not so great.
These thoughts cycle like laundry in a washer,
Without a set time for the thinking cycle to end.

Slowly a thought or two takes over her brain,
She dwells and ponders over these thoughts.
Then the thoughts consume her entire being,
They rob her of her precious sleep and sanity.

They take over as if they are living beings,
As parasites she cannot control or get rid of.
She tries watching TV and talking to others,
And she even tries studying to quiet her brain.

Nothing works until she finally is able to sleep,
and passes out from her own mental exhaustion.
The question remains, are those thoughts gone,
Or do they stay there and temporarily hibernate?

My Journey Towards A Healthy Body Part 3 - Overcoming My Obstacles and Seeking a Healthy Life

The fall after I graduated high school, I entered college over an hour away from "home". I was finally got away from my parents and old life like I had always dreamed of doing. I met who was to be my husband during this time. With no one to worry about now, I did my disordered eating full force and also started drinking on the weekends. While I had drank before and had my first drink when I was 15, this was the first time I was drinking every weekend with a few friends I had made. My girlfriend and I were starting to have issues since she called me multiple times a day at school and seemed to be very clingy when she had hardly been around all summer. This sudden claustrophobia like behavior led me to dump her only two weeks after I arrived at school. Two days before this, I asked my future husband out and prepared for dumping my girlfriend. That turned out to be a very smart move on my part and I was able to focus more on my new life, or so I thought.

Unfortunately the mental baggage from my previous life well as my disordered eating followed me to college. I ate light meals all day and often had salads with fat free dressing and mostly veggies and grilled chicken in them for dinner. I was able to lose 5 pounds within a month of arriving and got down to 130 despite the weekend drinking my boyfriend and I with our small circle of friends was doing. While I was the happiest I had ever been socially, my past and the trauma from that time were eating me alive. I was chain smoking to cover this up and was very close to a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately (or so I thought at the time) my new boyfriend noticed these things going on inside of me and one night asked what was wrong. He also pointed out that he noticed that I ate like a bird and told me that he was concerned about me. I remember breaking down and crying in front of him while trying to hide my face. I was raised to never cry in front of people, so that was an awkward moment. At the end of this unplanned "outburst", I agreed to see the school psychologist about my "excess baggage". I only agreed to this at the time since my boyfriend threatened to break up with me if I didn't seek help for my issues and for dealing with my emotional traumas. Turned out to be one of the best decisions that I had ever made.

Shortly after that night I nervously went to the school psychologist's office where he saw various students two-three days out of the week. I went there about two days a week for the next six months. The first things he did with me after asking me a series of questions was tell me that I needed to stop smoking and drinking since they were both crutches I was using to deal with the emotional pain I was feeling. I failed to mention the "eating" issue, but my boyfriend was there and mentioned his concerns to him. I was given antidepressants and was diagnosed with clinical depression. From that point on I was also watched by my boyfriend food wise. It was at this point that I turned the "starvation" part off and started to binge eat instead. I was tired at that point of hiding this and feeling "icky" at times from not eating enough food. I cared enough about my boyfriend and finally felt I had a reason to stop doing this to myself.

The one thing my psych failed to mention was that the weight can come on fast. Especially if you go from restrictive eating to eating whatever you feel like eating without regard to portions and calories. I also ignored the scale for the first time in years and hardly ever weighed in. As a result, I gained over 40 pounds in less than a year and a half and went from barely a healthy weight to overweight. I half heartily attempted to stop this "massive" gain as my clothing size went up by doing diets like Atkins, South Beach, and Slim Fast, but none of those worked out for long. For awhile, I also went to the gym while eating whatever I felt like, but that didn't help me lose any weight. The wake up call on this came at the doctor's office in December 2004. Only 14 months after I entered "recovery" and stopped my restriction practices I weighed 175. The doctor also ran diabetic tests on me since I still had irregular periods, luckily those came back negative. I knew I had gained weight, but thought I weighed 150-160 at the most. By this time I had gone from a size 6 to a size 14, that should have told me something. However I was in denial and finally felt free to enjoy food after having food as my enemy for so long. The thought of being hungry made me freaked out and I ate to solve everything.

Luckily after the holidays and a few negative comments about my weight, I started to come to my senses. I started the process of losing weight for the right reasons, for me and for my health. At first I resorted to diet pills (Trim Spa), but felt hyper and icky on them so I stopped those after a week. I also counted calories for a month which I lost 10.8 pounds on my own and bought a scale. A month later I got fed up with calorie counting and joined weight watchers at work with one of my friends at work. The start of that journey was February 15, 2005 and I weighed 164.2 that day. That is the day which changed my life forever, without that catalyst I probably would be unhealthy and possibly obese by now I imagine. I lost almost 25 pounds by July of that year to reach my official goal weight of 140 set by my leader. I got there by counting points and eating healthier, lower calorie foods. Started to eat more veggies and fruits and less junk food. A few months later I reached 135 and then briefly 130, but couldn't sustain that. Over the next five years, I stayed with weight watchers and did their various plans while cleaning up my eating habits slowly. I switched to whole grains for most of my grain intake, kept up the fruit and veggie intake, and also explored vegetarianism on and off.

Then I got pregnant in 2010 as I discussed in a previous post. I miscarried at 10 weeks, but started comfort eating for awhile after that. I tried to get back in the game and kept eating some of the healthier foods I was used to, but ate too much food overall. Then March of 2011 I found myfitnesspal and started half heartily calorie counting until July. On July 5, 2011 I decided to take my health/weight more seriously again and got to work on losing weight again. This time I weighed 159 and aimed for 140 once more since I feel healthiest between 140 and 145. This time I lost slower, but I got to learn how to eat balanced meals in addition to additional healthy foods. Since I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (found that out in 2010), I lose slower now and have noticed that for the past three years. I manage this well, but use calorie counting to keep my eating balanced and to stay healthy both physically and mentally. I also exercise 5-6 days a week for 30-60 minutes on average to manage my depression issues as well as my health/weight.

Currently I am a few pounds away from my goal, but am feeling great most days and am still actively in recovery from disordered eating. While I was never formally diagnosed with a specific eating disorder, I definitely am a survivor of disordered eating. I have my thin days which I never had until recent months and my fat days where I feel and look gross to myself. I also still have occasional days or meals where I binge eat or eat due to stress or emotions running wild, but have this mostly under control now. This is a life long process for me as well as for anyone recovering from disordered eating. I take my recovery one day at a time.

I look forward to your comments about your experiences as well as anything you may want to say. Please share this and the other two posts with others you feel may be interested or would benefit from reading about my experiences with disordered eating. Thank you for reading and sorry for the long posts. I tried to sum these up, but this has been a long journey. A journey of recovery that I will continue through each day for the rest of my life.

My Journey Towards A Healthy Body Part 2 - The High School Years

Ninth grade came and I went to a new school without the few friends I managed to make in 8th grade and the end of seventh grade  (yes, it took me almost a year to find myself friends at the middle school I transferred to when I started seventh grade). So I was alone again, but this time I had embraced the fact I was not a conventional person. I was realizing that there was some things about me that many people are freaked out by, but was not ready to accept those parts of me. My eating disorder began to form a pattern of starving and binging during this time. This is where binging began to play a part in my life, which I still fight to this day.

I remember my ninth grade year alternating between binging on sweets from the vending machine at school or in secret and starving myself. Some days I would have nothing more than an apple fritter from the check cashing place across the street or a nutrigrain bar and a soda before dinner and other days I ate without abandon. All based on stress levels and the scale in the morning. I had a very stressful life at home and school was not much better. By the end of 9th grade I had a new friend, a few acquaintances, and had reached an all time "high" on the scale of 125. I also began smoking that year as I talked about in a previous post called One Ex Smoker's Tale. I was freaked out by this gain, but waited until fall to do anything about it since I spent more time at home during the summer and didn't want anyone on my trail.

Tenth grade was the year I felt I had it all together, but was also a time I started to get some answers about myself that I was not able to accept at that time. I got my first job at a doctor's office down the street from school, had a few boyfriends including my first serious relationship after being dateless in ninth grade, and I made "progress" on my quest towards looking like a rail thin model. I put most of the binging behind me for the time being and other than events like youth group trips I ate very little before dinner once again. Getting myself "under control again" by eating nutrigrain bars or drinking coffee and having a soda or yogurt for lunch along with the usual small dinner got me to 115 by the middle of my sophomore year.

I saw that number on a doctor's scale when I got a physical at the doctor's office. I remember the doctor explaining to my mother that 95% of girls my height of 5'8" weighed more than I did. While my doctor probably stated that to alert my mother subtly, my mother replied that I had always been thin and that I was just a small boned person. My secret was safe, at least from her. I also weighed in periodically at work and had my first confrontation from a classmate. She was concerned that I was too thin, but I brushed it off. Luckily she did not take her concerns any further. The end of sophomore year, I was put on birth control since I had irregular periods and was getting my period every two weeks at times and other times went a few months without bleeding at all. Over that summer 115 disappeared from the scale forever. This was due to my first serious boyfriend and I got more lax about things. I also was on birth control which made my self control slightly weaker than normal.

Got to 11th grade weighing the most I would weigh until I stopped starving myself at the age of 19. I weighed 135 and felt like a cow. In actuality I was for the first time at the lower end of the healthy weight range for my height. That year a major life changing event happened to me and I finally dealt with some things I learned about myself and accepted them as a part of me. I broke up with the serious boyfriend over him pressuring me for sex (I was still a virgin) and then got back to losing weight. After this break up, I came out of the closet as a bisexual to a few friends and started embrace who I really was. I had a short relationship with my first girlfriend which ended when she cheated on me. I had a long distance relationship later on that year with a guy and got back down to 120 by the end of the school year. Despite being on birth control most of that year, my restricting was still working to a point and remained a secret.

Senior year was all about getting the hell out of high school and being all that I could be. I had 2 AP classes that year and also had a few relationships once again including my first serious relationship with a girl. I had a starving/binging cycle similar to the one I had in 9th grade and hung out with a few other outsiders who were mostly two grades behind me. Around them I ate junk along with them sometimes and other times pretended to have already eaten. I saw my weight creep up to 135 again and then I quickly got it down to 125 in time for my first and only prom. Due to my mom and step dad's Christian Conservative background, I took a guy from church with me to prom instead of my girlfriend. I will talk more about sexuality in another post in the future. After prom I relaxed a bit and graduated high school weighing 135. I had to relax a little since my step dad finally said something to me about not eating enough and needing to eat more. This concludes my "shortened" version of my eating disorder and me in high school.  The final part will be summed up with the next few days. Sorry for the long post and enjoy reading. Please comment and if you have any experience with this, please share.

My Journey Towards A Healthy Body Part 1 - How It All Began

I am going to do something today I have never done before. I am going to write about my journey to a healthier me. Since this story starts with me as a child, I will be discussing this topic for at least two posts. Please note that I only blame myself for the destructive actions I did to my body and not anyone else. I believe in taking full responsibility for my actions at all times.

I remember as early as nine years old feeling insecure about my looks. Really wanting to be thin and beautiful to myself and to others. I always felt I never looked good enough for anyone including me. Looking back I was a tall child who was thin, but healthy. I wasn't a huge eater, but I did eat a plate of food at each meal and occasionally splurged on treats with the family when it seemed acceptable to do so. I wish I had stuck to this model for life, my childhood self knew portion size very well and I would have skipped certain issues if I had never let disordered eating enter into my life.

At the age of 13 my entire life as I knew it changed. We moved across the city from living next door to my best friend, to living around children that seemed snobby and were mean to me. This also meant a new school filled with people I did not know. People mostly ignored me and the few that did notice me teased me for wearing "no name" clothes. I hated this school and for the first two months read under a tree everyday during lunch. This was also the year that my depression issues started, I had my first boyfriend, got my first period, and started writing thanks to an awesome English teacher I had (she was one of the only good things about that school). I thank her for starting me out on writing and for caring about her students in a way others didn't seem to at that school.

One thing I failed to mention was that with all these changes, another thing happened. I started engaging in disordered eating. It started small with me throwing out parts of my lunch and only eating a yogurt instead of a sandwich and the yogurt along with another snack and eating smaller breakfasts like a nutrigrain or granola bar instead of the usual cereal and milk that we ate. I felt pressure to look pretty and to stay thin, I had often been reminded to not let myself get fat since it runs in the family. I also got comments about my thighs from an early age on occasion. Having my body change and losing my first boyfriend whom I loved triggered me to do everything I could to stay thin.

For years I basically only ate enough to keep others off my trail. I would eat exactly one plate for dinner and would take mostly veggies, a small amount of starch, and a small amount of meat. I almost never let myself have seconds and ate very little when I was not around my parents. I did not want them to find out, they were already smothering me in other aspects of my life. Eating was the one thing I could take charge of. I also weighed myself everyday in the upstairs bathroom first thing in the morning after using the bathroom. The number had so much control over me. My mood in the morning and often the whole day was based on the scale's results.

Middle school came and went, no one discovered anything different about me at this point except for that first boyfriend who commented on how thin I was. I even had a girl in the 8th grade call me fat because we were all having a conversation about weight and I stated that I weighed 120. Keep in mind that I was 5'7" by then and probably should have weighed slightly more at least. That comment just fueled me even more.

In my next post I will discuss my high school years and how this all progressed. Thank you all for reading my long post. I hope I didn't ramble on too much or bore you to death. Please comment, especially if you have something to share.

Back to School and Back to My Usual Reality

As an effort to keep my "writing hand" flowing I am attempting to keep posting more frequently, despite the fact that as of today I am a full time student and a full time employee for the first time in my life. To attempt to obtain senior status, I am taking several courses this term. One of them is not fully online, which all of mine have been for a few years now. I will need to attend campus for one week for this class and the rest is done online. Took a look at the syllabuses for my classes and nearly screamed. I hope I can handle the added work and pressure. I figured out that I will need to spend a lot of time studying which is normal, but more so than usual.

Moments like today's are the times that I wish I was still single; I wonder how on earth I am going to have any time for my husband. I also wonder how I am going to celebrate my birthday, go to a bachelorette party, be in a wedding as a bridesmaid, attend another wedding, and many other things that are coming up in my life. I feel overwhelmed by my life now and hope I can push through these courses without wrecking my GPA, well being, or finances. Ironically one of my courses is on finance. I have drawn up an intense schedule so that I can still get some sleep, study enough for classes, and take care of my house and myself.

Stay tuned, I will do my best to keep posting every few days. I also aim to not let my perfectionism give me writer's block. Often I write pieces and can't get them to my high standards, so I delete them. I would have at least twice as many posts by now if I had never done that. I hope all is well with my readers and if there are any topics of modern life that you are interested in, then please comment or send me your topic ideas for future posts.

I can be reached here as well as via email at punkedpoetess84@gmail.com, on the Facebook page, or on twitter as punkedpoetess. Thank you all for reading and for following this blog.

Spring Giveaway Winner and Updates!!!

As you all know, the Spring Giveaway came to an end last night. I have randomly drawn a name today and the winner of the Spring Giveaway is:

Amy Orvin, who is an avid blog reader and a new follower of this blog :).

She will be receiving a $15 Amazon.com gift card via email. Amy, I will be sending your giftcard to 2dogs5catscrew@att.net as requested.

I was pleased with the large turnout this time and the increased foot traffic I saw on this site as well as the facebook page. I also have a larger number of followers now. There will be another giveaway in the future.

Keep reading here and also follow me on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/ObservationsOfModernLife. You also can get to know me better and follow me on twitter by following punkedpoetess. I often give additional updates and informal posts on Twitter and Facebook. Thank you all for entering and have a great rest of the weekend!