Hate Is A Strong Word

I have always been told never to hate anyone; we can "dislike" them or think some of the things they do are wrong. Honestly I do not "hate" most people, but I think a person can have a few exceptions for those individuals who have shown them or the world nothing but evil towards others. Some appear to be out to get others and do not think of anyone except themselves. Making the lives of others miserable is their driving force in life and they thrive on the misery of others. Creating drama and making others upset gives them a reason for waking up in the morning and makes them feel better about themselves. So sad, but true that people like this exist. While I believe that most are not worth hating, these few individuals are worthy of being "hated".

I adore you all and I hope you keep these types of individuals out of your life as much as possible. They are truly toxic!

My Journey Towards A Healthy Body Part 2 - The High School Years

Ninth grade came and I went to a new school without the few friends I managed to make in 8th grade and the end of seventh grade  (yes, it took me almost a year to find myself friends at the middle school I transferred to when I started seventh grade). So I was alone again, but this time I had embraced the fact I was not a conventional person. I was realizing that there was some things about me that many people are freaked out by, but was not ready to accept those parts of me. My eating disorder began to form a pattern of starving and binging during this time. This is where binging began to play a part in my life, which I still fight to this day.

I remember my ninth grade year alternating between binging on sweets from the vending machine at school or in secret and starving myself. Some days I would have nothing more than an apple fritter from the check cashing place across the street or a nutrigrain bar and a soda before dinner and other days I ate without abandon. All based on stress levels and the scale in the morning. I had a very stressful life at home and school was not much better. By the end of 9th grade I had a new friend, a few acquaintances, and had reached an all time "high" on the scale of 125. I also began smoking that year as I talked about in a previous post called One Ex Smoker's Tale. I was freaked out by this gain, but waited until fall to do anything about it since I spent more time at home during the summer and didn't want anyone on my trail.

Tenth grade was the year I felt I had it all together, but was also a time I started to get some answers about myself that I was not able to accept at that time. I got my first job at a doctor's office down the street from school, had a few boyfriends including my first serious relationship after being dateless in ninth grade, and I made "progress" on my quest towards looking like a rail thin model. I put most of the binging behind me for the time being and other than events like youth group trips I ate very little before dinner once again. Getting myself "under control again" by eating nutrigrain bars or drinking coffee and having a soda or yogurt for lunch along with the usual small dinner got me to 115 by the middle of my sophomore year.

I saw that number on a doctor's scale when I got a physical at the doctor's office. I remember the doctor explaining to my mother that 95% of girls my height of 5'8" weighed more than I did. While my doctor probably stated that to alert my mother subtly, my mother replied that I had always been thin and that I was just a small boned person. My secret was safe, at least from her. I also weighed in periodically at work and had my first confrontation from a classmate. She was concerned that I was too thin, but I brushed it off. Luckily she did not take her concerns any further. The end of sophomore year, I was put on birth control since I had irregular periods and was getting my period every two weeks at times and other times went a few months without bleeding at all. Over that summer 115 disappeared from the scale forever. This was due to my first serious boyfriend and I got more lax about things. I also was on birth control which made my self control slightly weaker than normal.

Got to 11th grade weighing the most I would weigh until I stopped starving myself at the age of 19. I weighed 135 and felt like a cow. In actuality I was for the first time at the lower end of the healthy weight range for my height. That year a major life changing event happened to me and I finally dealt with some things I learned about myself and accepted them as a part of me. I broke up with the serious boyfriend over him pressuring me for sex (I was still a virgin) and then got back to losing weight. After this break up, I came out of the closet as a bisexual to a few friends and started embrace who I really was. I had a short relationship with my first girlfriend which ended when she cheated on me. I had a long distance relationship later on that year with a guy and got back down to 120 by the end of the school year. Despite being on birth control most of that year, my restricting was still working to a point and remained a secret.

Senior year was all about getting the hell out of high school and being all that I could be. I had 2 AP classes that year and also had a few relationships once again including my first serious relationship with a girl. I had a starving/binging cycle similar to the one I had in 9th grade and hung out with a few other outsiders who were mostly two grades behind me. Around them I ate junk along with them sometimes and other times pretended to have already eaten. I saw my weight creep up to 135 again and then I quickly got it down to 125 in time for my first and only prom. Due to my mom and step dad's Christian Conservative background, I took a guy from church with me to prom instead of my girlfriend. I will talk more about sexuality in another post in the future. After prom I relaxed a bit and graduated high school weighing 135. I had to relax a little since my step dad finally said something to me about not eating enough and needing to eat more. This concludes my "shortened" version of my eating disorder and me in high school.  The final part will be summed up with the next few days. Sorry for the long post and enjoy reading. Please comment and if you have any experience with this, please share.

Goodbye "Friend"

Like a swarm of maggots over the trash,
Your hateful lies have eaten me alive.
I can't handle your misery anymore.

You always find my secret hiding place,
Whenever I try to escape your evilness.
Your schemes are as lame as daffy ducks.

Your immature ways no longer scare me.
I am ready to face your rentless, ruthless wrath.
You are more cowardly than the cowardly lion.

My pity for you is dry like a deserted desert,
My trust broke when the mob showed up on my doorstep.
My trust should have broke when the rumors started.
 
I was decieved by your stupid lies,
I thought to myself, my friend would never pass rumors.
For the longest time, I defended you.

Even as it became more obvious,
I still stood by your side and stayed your good friend.
Without proof, why would I ever blame you?

You played me as a pawn in your game,
If you were ever my friend you would have told the truth.
Rumors and lies are never the answer.

You told lies about people I love;
Terrible lies that made me look weak and stupid.
Until the suits came, I had no real proof.

Lucky for me them showing up gave me a sign,
A sign that you were behind all these things.
Everyone told me they didn't send them over.

Other than them, only you could send them.
By deduction, there was my proof of your guilty verdict.
That ended our friendship forever.

I am not headed for a divorce;
My husband has NEVER raised a hand to my skin.
I also am stronger than you think.

These actions are why I am not your friend,
While I should have confronted you about this,
I was too hurt to even face you.

I was upset about losing you,
But I could not condone your disgusting lies.
Real friends never hurt their friends this way.

This is my way of saying goodbye to you.
While I miss you, I am better without you.
Time for me to move on and find real friends.

A Letter to My So Called Former "Friend"

Dear Person Who Perpetually Took Advantage of Me,

I am not going to let you win and beat me down. You think you can take me over and rule over me like an overbearing parent. This is where you are wrong. Don't mistake a nice person for a doormat. I am not going to let you wipe your filth on me and make me feel worthless. Your crazy antics are not bringing me down and I am using my time away from you to better myself. I always thought you were helping me, but really you were hurting me.

I let your manipulative actions cloud my mind and I lost control of myself and forgot who I was. Your growing web of lies was covering my judgement and turning it into a fog. Once I was able to untangle myself from you and stop being your prey, I started to see what a pathological liar you really are. I believe you will be exposed for what you are and who you really are as time passes by. You will get pay back for the lies you told about the person you called "my best friend"! I don't need to enact revenge, I fully believe God and the universe itself will take care of that for me. What comes around, goes around so watch your deceitful back! Don't let the door hit your behind on the way out of my life, you have hurt me more than you would ever know or care to know! Goodbye and good riddance to you. I am better off without you in my life and am over letting you walk all over me.

Rae Jeannine

Me, Myself, and I, a Response to Those Who Want Me To Be Like Them

Me: Why is this girl yelling at me to stop being so wierd and giving me the death stare?
Myself: Maybe I did something that made her mad.
I: She must be a brainwashed conformist who only likes people who are exactly like her.

Me: Hmm, good point I. Not everyone appeciates my point of view.
Myself: Maybe I should apologize to her and say that I am sorry that I offended them.
I: Who cares what she thinks. What does she know about me and who is she to judge me?

Me: Myself needs to be more sure of themselves. I don't expect her much less most people to understand or accept me.
Myself: I just don't want to offend her or anyone else.
I: Being different means some are going to be offended when you are simply being yourself. Personally I think she is a brainless moron who does not like anyone who is not like exactly like her.

Me: No kidding, some are just offended by anything that they do not understand. Honestly I don't care what she thinks, I just wonder why she has to yell at me rather than talk rationally to me.
Myself: This is getting too confrontational, I am going to get going now. See you all in another part of the mind.
I: Me, lets just tell her what we think of her shallow, drone-like ways and then never speak to her again. We don't need negativity and nasty words from these fools.

Me: I, that sounds like a plan. She can go somewhere where darkness lurks around her and causes her to get lost. I hope someone does this to her one day, so that she can understand what it feels like to not be accepted.
I: Lets go grab a snack and hang out with those who get who we are, the few that exist.

Me: Okay, I will call myself and see if she wants to tag along.
I: That would be fantastic.

* PLEASE comment, even if you are giving constructive criticism. Thank you all for reading my blog.