Wednesday, December 21, 2011

My Blessings This Holiday Season

Here are some things I am thankful for and am glad to have this holiday season:

* That even after everything that has happened in my life up to this point, I still have my faith in God. While I am not that religious and am a very liberal Christian, I still believe in God and I go to church regularly.
* A warm house to go home to at night.
* Plenty of food and drink to sustain me, the cats, and my husband.
* A full time job with benefits (so many are unemployed these days)
* A second chance to earn my college degree.
* A high GPA in school this time around (I earned a 4.0 this past term for my courses)
* My husband, I don't know how he puts up with me sometimes. I love him for being able to handle me and love me even at my worst.
* My cats, they are like our children. One of my cats even has his birthday coming up right after Christmas.
* Family, even though they often drive me crazy and often are full of drama.
* Friends, I do have a few true friends that I really care about. They are there for me as much as if not more than some of my family.
* Car to get groceries and go places. For a few years I did not have a car and used public transportation or rides to get everywhere. So glad those days are over and now my husband drives him and myself where we need to go. Still use public transportation around the city for work commuting and such, but I am good with that. So grateful to not have to buy groceries and lug them on the bus anymore or on foot. That was such a pain.

I think that about sums up the truly important things in my life. They do not rank in any particular order, but they remind me that my life is good. Often I get too wrapped up in what is wrong with my life and forget about what is good in my life. This is what matters to me this holiday season. For me the Christmas season is about more than presents.Christmas is about remembering those in need, about spending time with loved ones, and showing them that we care about them and love them. I also remember Jesus's birth and remember things from a religious standpoint. While I know many don't celebrate that way, for me as a Christian this is important to me.

Now I am wondering what is important to all of you this holiday season? Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or Yule, I want my readers to comment and tell me what matters to them this holiday season. Happy Holiday's, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and Merry Yule to you all, whichever of these you may celebrate.

Friday, December 9, 2011

My Sudden Loss - One Year Ago Today

Amazing how my life has changed from a year ago today. This time last year I was excited about welcoming a new boy or girl into the world with my husband. Since I have PCOS and he has a low count, the pregnancy I was having was a miracle in my mind. Especially since we did not have any fertility treatments, which the doctors thought I would need. While that pregnancy was not completely planned, we were happy about it and were making preparations to welcome him or her into the world. My due date was July 7, 2011 and I was 10 weeks along in my pregnancy when the most horrible thing happened to my unborn child.

I had a miscarriage on 12/9/2010, which was one year ago today. I got home from work that day and was really tired, had some pains, and was feeling sick. I didn't think much of it since I was having small pains on and off in the pelvic area  for the past two weeks and often got a slight bit sick in the afternoon which would sometimes last until I went to bed. My sickness was more of a afternoon into the evening sickness than the advertised morning sickness. I had no idea what was about to happen and had never been pregnant before, so I had nothing to compare this to.

Next thing I know I am starting to bleed like I am starting my period, except that my cramps were 5-10 times worse than normal and the bleeding was different. Really heavy and watery with huge clots. I was absolutely panicky. My husband and I consulted my OB/GYN, whom I had switched to a few weeks before. She specializes in PCOS and infertility issues and is the first good OB/GYN I have had. She told me that I was probably miscarrying. She made an appointment for me to get checked out the next week and told me to go to the ER if things got any worse. Lucky for me I passed it all through at home and even went to work the next day wearing an overnight pad with more of them in my purse. It was the shortest "period" I had ever had, but was also the most painful. I even saw grayish tissue in the toilet a few times, which made me really sad. Within three days it was all down to spotting. I still held on to hope that maybe my baby survived, but deep down knew it was all over.

A few days later, I went to the doctor and had my HCG tested. There was not any left in my system and she confirmed that the baby was gone. I had a follow up appointment a few weeks later where she made sure I passed everything through and I had. This tragic event nearly ruined my Christmas and I cried hysterically on Christmas morning when I woke up. I also had a few vivid dreams about the baby after the miscarriage and during my pregnancy as well. I know he or she is up there and I will see my baby in the afterlife.

My husband took this news as badly as I did, since he really wanted a child and I am sure he loved the baby. I could go either way, but I was sad simply because I was already attached to them and was mentally ready for them to come into the world. Took me about 2-3 months to start to heal from this and I am not sure that my husband fully did. We both talk about it every now and then and are closer than ever despite this tragic loss.

Now a year later we both have changed some and evaluate life differently. I count my blessings and am thankful to have a few great people in my life, a decent place to live, a good job, college to attend, and my two cats among many other things. Looking back I see that while we would have been good parents to that child, we were not completely ready to be parents at that time. Now I hope to one day adopt a child or two. I might try having another one, but not for awhile. Looking over my life, I decided it was more important for me to finish college and to get myself more together before bringing an adopted child into my home or having a baby. I have about 2-2.5 years until I graduate. I will revisit the idea of having children when I get my bachelor's degree. By then I will be 29-30 years old which is fine, especially since I am very open to adoption if I cannot concieve a child.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Goodbye Depression

Depression, oh I despite you. You take away my desire to leave the house. You try to put me under a spell of laziness involving mindless television and solitary confinement. When you are around, I feel the need to be alone constantly. You tell me to stay away from other people and to just shut myself away from the world. My computer and my television is all I need according to you.

You also want me to medicate myself, so that I forget that I am feeling down. You give me ideas to drink up, smoke up, harm myself, and to either eat whatever I feel like eating or severely restrict my eating to gain control of myself and my life. You toy with my mind and with my addictive personality tendencies in order to gain control of me. In the past I would listen to you and would turn to some or all of these things so that I could cope with my life. Your dark cloud of hazy judgement sounds great at the time, but in retrospect your "wisdom" is a recipe for disaster.

This time, I am doing things a little bit differently. I am forcing myself to deal with how I feel. I am making myself stay active both physically and socially. I will not isolate myself from loved ones and close myself off from the world. Also, I am not going to listen to you and use substances or disordered eating patterns as a drug. I am now stronger than that and can fight you. I am still going strong and will get help if you continue to hang around me. I will not let life or the cold weather destroy me. I will not let you take over me and fall for your lies again. This time I am going to stay healthy in all aspects of my life. I am done letting you take over me.I am ready to get rid of my depressive state in any way I can without causing any harm to myself.