Back to School and Back to My Usual Reality

As an effort to keep my "writing hand" flowing I am attempting to keep posting more frequently, despite the fact that as of today I am a full time student and a full time employee for the first time in my life. To attempt to obtain senior status, I am taking several courses this term. One of them is not fully online, which all of mine have been for a few years now. I will need to attend campus for one week for this class and the rest is done online. Took a look at the syllabuses for my classes and nearly screamed. I hope I can handle the added work and pressure. I figured out that I will need to spend a lot of time studying which is normal, but more so than usual.

Moments like today's are the times that I wish I was still single; I wonder how on earth I am going to have any time for my husband. I also wonder how I am going to celebrate my birthday, go to a bachelorette party, be in a wedding as a bridesmaid, attend another wedding, and many other things that are coming up in my life. I feel overwhelmed by my life now and hope I can push through these courses without wrecking my GPA, well being, or finances. Ironically one of my courses is on finance. I have drawn up an intense schedule so that I can still get some sleep, study enough for classes, and take care of my house and myself.

Stay tuned, I will do my best to keep posting every few days. I also aim to not let my perfectionism give me writer's block. Often I write pieces and can't get them to my high standards, so I delete them. I would have at least twice as many posts by now if I had never done that. I hope all is well with my readers and if there are any topics of modern life that you are interested in, then please comment or send me your topic ideas for future posts.

I can be reached here as well as via email at punkedpoetess84@gmail.com, on the Facebook page, or on twitter as punkedpoetess. Thank you all for reading and for following this blog.

Bi Polar Body Images

Sometimes when I look in the mirror,
I view my physical body as fat, ugly, and gross.
Even when I am thin and have lost weight,
There are times that I view myself this way.

Other times when I look in the mirror,
I see a pretty woman that is healthy and strong.
Those days I don't hate myself and how I look,
Since I look fine and see what I really look like.

I often wonder which image is real?
Am I fat and ugly or pretty and healthy?
The mirror is not an accurate judge,
The answer changes from day to day.

Really I should not care so much,
Yet my looks are important to me.
My values take a higher priority,
Yet I put a high value on my appearance.

I realize mentally that who I am matters,
but part of me is vain and overly rigid.
I need to be healthy, but not so critical.
Who I am is more important than the mirror.

What Do I Really See?

I see a being with many imperfections,
Someone who always needs to change.
I am like a puzzle with missing pieces,
Who is not completely put together.

No matter what I do with my life,
What I do is never enough for me.
Even though I work hard and study,
I often feel I could be doing more.

I could help others in need sometime,
Pay someone who is elderly or sick a visit.
I could take more classes to get smarter,
I feel like I often act in my life as a moron.

Why do I accept others for who they are,
While I cannot accept who I am inside?
I constantly push myself to look prettier,
Be nicer, work harder, and do better.

For myself I accept nothing but perfection,
While I treat everyone else as a human being.
I act as if I don't deserve to be simply be human,
I must be something more to be good enough.

While secretly I know that I cannot be perfect,
A part of me holds hope that someday I will be.
I need to let go of these unrealistic expectations,
So I can accept myself and fully love myself again.

A non-poetic post

Hello fellow readers! I thought I would take the time now to explain about this blog. Especially now that I know others are reading what I write here.

I write this modern style poetry here in addition to in private to express myself. Since I am a perfectionist, I do heavily edit before posting to ensure good quality posts.

What I write about is based on what I have been through and what I have seen in my lifetime. As someone who is guarded to almost everyone in real life, poetry and this blog is the one place I can express my mind and my innermost feelings. I hope you get to know me better through this blog and I care about everyone here.

Thank you all for following this blog and for reading this blog without discarding me or my feelings. Feel free to comment at anytime in anyway you would like. Writing is my true passion and I hope to be an author one day.

Will be back with new material regularly, thanks for everything.

Perfectionism's Pipe Dream

The key to my personal perfection
Is that I do everything in life right.
This fights against human nature
A being of many flaws and vices.

Everyday, voices deep in my head
Ones of Perfection and my true nature
Fight a battle, one of wants and greatness
The longing to be forever flawless in all.

I fight between what's right and desire
Often desire mismatches with morality.
Despite it all, I still long to be perfect
Diligently I slave to be at my own best.

I compete against my often sinful nature.
I try to outdo my previous best each time.
I long to do the impossible, the unexpected
Although I know I can't do it all, I try anyway.

In my tireless efforts, errors often appear.
I panic each time, although it's unavoidable.
Anger builds a wall in me and pushes on me
In these times I pledge to do a better job.

At that point perfection needs to be present
That is all I care about in my everyday work.
Trying to get closer to 100% perfection
Although deep down I know it's unrealistic.

Maybe one day I can get a grip on my goals
Quit being so pushy and accept those failures.
I can start treating myself as I do everyone else
I can finally be a human being and not a machine.