Fighting Through Life

Much has been altered,
Yet I am much the same.
Searching and yearning,
For something better.

My life can be better,
I am capable of more.
Much has changed here,
Yet didn't change enough.

I feel stuck spinning around,
Like on an endless cycle.
I can't get the motion to stop,
I still want more for myself.

I am not done striving for me,
No giving up without a fight.
Life may be fighting me like Ali,
But I will keep punching back.

Succeed as Yourself

Fight for the things that you believe in.
Don't let life's hardships beat you down.
You are not a failure until you give up.
Work hard and fight for your dreams.

Good things in life come with a price tag.
Pay the price for all that matters to you.
Some things that are worth the high cost.
Never settle for being average or normal.

Normalcy is overrated and for the sheep.
Be true to and celebrate your unique self.
Strive to be who you want to be always.
Don't listen to the naysayers and criticizers.

You will be unhappy living for someone else.
Not everyone is meant to be the same person.
We are all unique like the snowflakes falling.
Love who you are and be proud of your beliefs.

Looking Back at 2013

One of my New Year's Traditions is to look back on the past year, see what goals I achieved and set my goals for the New Year.

2013 was a year of many changes as I had predicted it would be. Some of the changes were expected, but many of them were a total surprise. I will go more into detail about this as I review this past year's goals and achievements (I prefer the more concrete words goal and aspiration over the overused word resolution, I usually also make a vision board showcasing these aspirations for the coming year around New Years and write them down to post somewhere that I can see them everyday.

2013 Achievements:

1. I graduated Cum Laude (with honors) with my Bachelors of Science in Business Administration on September 7, 2013. 
2. I walked at the 2013 graduation on June 15, 2013. That was one of the best days of my life so far. Took me almost exactly ten years since graduating high school to achieve my goal of obtaining a college degree. To do so with honors was a bonus.
3. Celebrated my 5 year Wedding Anniversary on September 20, 2013. Given everything I am shocked that I stuck it out and did the work to stay married up until this point. I am happy most of the time that I have done so, but marriage is hard work and my marriage something I have to work at a lot of the time. With a family history of divorce and dysfunctional relationships as well as my own relationship history, I have at times had a hard time understanding how to have a happy, healthy marriage and what that even looks like. Glad to know now that mine is mostly good.
4. Have kept myself mostly healthy and am roughly the same weight as this time last year (give of take 5 or less pounds, which is fine with me) despite facing some new health issues and having to change the way I eat this year.
5. My job is stable, but a lot of restaffing changes happened this year. Despite the numerous staffing and management changes as well as our online schools' pending merger with the university, I have managed to have a good annual review and am excelling with work. Despite my stresses with work and work taking up more of my time this past summer and fall, I have come out on top. I even was awarded a presidential award from the University for my work on the RN-BSN team for the online program.

2013 Challenges:

1. Found out March 18, 2013 that I have Celiac disease after struggling with digestive and bathroom issues, increased itchiness,  mysterious rashes on my back and neck, joint pain and aches, and brain fog. I went to a completely gluten free diet since then and feel much better most of the time now both physically and mentally. I still have some bathroom issues if I don't eat enough fiber, so I track my fiber carefully now. Otherwise I am much better.
2. My husband went back to school to get his teaching certification in March of 2013. He is slated to finish his certification in December of 2014. To accelerate this process, he quit his full time job in October 2014 after we were able to find him two education based part time jobs and now an adjunct teaching an intro class at a local community college (he starts this in January 2014, finally he is using his masters degree).
3. As a result of #2, money has gotten tighter, but so far we are doing okay financially despite all of this. That has taken carefully planning of money usage, cutting way back on eating out, shopping smart at the grocery store, and cutting expenses where we can.
4. I started applying for a new job using my bachelors degree in June (my preference being with the University or working at another University) and so far have had one interview and no offers. I currently have four applications in with the University and a possible fifth if I decide to apply for a position at the Sacramento, CA campus. I have a week to decide whether to apply for that one or not.

This post was longer than I expected, so I will post separately about looking ahead to 2014 and my goals for 2014. I have come a long way this year and a lot has changed, but I think that 2014 is going to be another year of change. I hope this coming year will be mostly good changes.

Resolutions

Every year people say all kinds of resolutions around this time of year. Most of the time, people follow them for a few days or a few weeks and then forget all about them. I also do resolutions, but I always write mine down and put them as magazine pictures, words, and drawings on poster board. Then I hang it up in my bedroom to look at all year long, so that I don't forget them. I also call it goals and aspirations instead of resolutions, makes more sense to me. Here were my goals for last year:

* Eat healthier (achieved)
* Read 52 books (not achieved, but I did read more)
* Run my first 5K (achieved on 9/10/11, my time was 28:41)
* Maintain a high GPA (achieved)
* Reach 100 credits earned (achieved, now at 111)
* Get more sleep (majorly failed this one)

For the most part I was happy with what I did, here is what I hope to do this year:

* Continue my healthier lifestyle
* Get 7-8 hours a sleep each night (Until about a week ago I averaged around 6, sometimes less. Now getting 7-8 hours and feeling much better. Also drinking less coffee and diet soda.)
* Maintain my high GPA and reach senior status (I attend a quarter system university, so 130 credits is senior status and 180 is what I need to graduate. Currently at 111 credits)
* Run more 5K's and attempt one longer race in the fall (10K or 1/2 marathon). (Starting training for 2nd 5K this week).
* Work on marriage and see what is working and what isn't working (we get along like best friends, but have had a few "bedroom" issues in recent months that need some work.)
* Stop taking my family's problems personally, they usually have nothing to do with me and aren't my fault.

I think that about wraps it up for me. Pretty happy with where things are for the most part. Just continuously working on myself and my situations to make things even better and to make myself into an even better person. Change must come from within and we only have control over ourselves and our reactions to situations and circumstances.

My Personal Quote For 2009

This is my year of change, I can either embrace the changes or try to run away from those changes. I am choosing embrace the changes around me and within me and to grow from those changes.

Perfectionism's Pipe Dream

The key to my personal perfection
Is that I do everything in life right.
This fights against human nature
A being of many flaws and vices.

Everyday, voices deep in my head
Ones of Perfection and my true nature
Fight a battle, one of wants and greatness
The longing to be forever flawless in all.

I fight between what's right and desire
Often desire mismatches with morality.
Despite it all, I still long to be perfect
Diligently I slave to be at my own best.

I compete against my often sinful nature.
I try to outdo my previous best each time.
I long to do the impossible, the unexpected
Although I know I can't do it all, I try anyway.

In my tireless efforts, errors often appear.
I panic each time, although it's unavoidable.
Anger builds a wall in me and pushes on me
In these times I pledge to do a better job.

At that point perfection needs to be present
That is all I care about in my everyday work.
Trying to get closer to 100% perfection
Although deep down I know it's unrealistic.

Maybe one day I can get a grip on my goals
Quit being so pushy and accept those failures.
I can start treating myself as I do everyone else
I can finally be a human being and not a machine.