Pushing past seeing negative

As I sit once again with a heavy heart,
I feel weighed down by my problems.
I am enclosed in a self imposed cage,
Created by the negative forces present.

Behind the insecurities and depression,
I know things of beauty and joy exist.
The good requires effort and searching,
I won't find any positivity by accident.

In order to see the true picture of life,
I must be willing to search and dig deep.
There is more than seen at first glance,
Like an iceberg floating in the ocean.

The tip is the obvious aspects of life,
Which at times appear to be negative.
Below the surface is a hidden beauty,
Covered up by the blight of darkness.

Life is more than my problems and I,
A multitude of others live in my society.
We all claim a common address here,
As human members of the planet Earth.

To retain humility and a sense of reality,
I must be in touch with good and evil.
Both reside within and outside of me,
The world is like a ying yang symbol.

I just want relief from the sadness,
Caused by my problems and issues.
Hopefully changing my prospective,
Can help rescue me from my prison.

Looking Back at 2013

One of my New Year's Traditions is to look back on the past year, see what goals I achieved and set my goals for the New Year.

2013 was a year of many changes as I had predicted it would be. Some of the changes were expected, but many of them were a total surprise. I will go more into detail about this as I review this past year's goals and achievements (I prefer the more concrete words goal and aspiration over the overused word resolution, I usually also make a vision board showcasing these aspirations for the coming year around New Years and write them down to post somewhere that I can see them everyday.

2013 Achievements:

1. I graduated Cum Laude (with honors) with my Bachelors of Science in Business Administration on September 7, 2013. 
2. I walked at the 2013 graduation on June 15, 2013. That was one of the best days of my life so far. Took me almost exactly ten years since graduating high school to achieve my goal of obtaining a college degree. To do so with honors was a bonus.
3. Celebrated my 5 year Wedding Anniversary on September 20, 2013. Given everything I am shocked that I stuck it out and did the work to stay married up until this point. I am happy most of the time that I have done so, but marriage is hard work and my marriage something I have to work at a lot of the time. With a family history of divorce and dysfunctional relationships as well as my own relationship history, I have at times had a hard time understanding how to have a happy, healthy marriage and what that even looks like. Glad to know now that mine is mostly good.
4. Have kept myself mostly healthy and am roughly the same weight as this time last year (give of take 5 or less pounds, which is fine with me) despite facing some new health issues and having to change the way I eat this year.
5. My job is stable, but a lot of restaffing changes happened this year. Despite the numerous staffing and management changes as well as our online schools' pending merger with the university, I have managed to have a good annual review and am excelling with work. Despite my stresses with work and work taking up more of my time this past summer and fall, I have come out on top. I even was awarded a presidential award from the University for my work on the RN-BSN team for the online program.

2013 Challenges:

1. Found out March 18, 2013 that I have Celiac disease after struggling with digestive and bathroom issues, increased itchiness,  mysterious rashes on my back and neck, joint pain and aches, and brain fog. I went to a completely gluten free diet since then and feel much better most of the time now both physically and mentally. I still have some bathroom issues if I don't eat enough fiber, so I track my fiber carefully now. Otherwise I am much better.
2. My husband went back to school to get his teaching certification in March of 2013. He is slated to finish his certification in December of 2014. To accelerate this process, he quit his full time job in October 2014 after we were able to find him two education based part time jobs and now an adjunct teaching an intro class at a local community college (he starts this in January 2014, finally he is using his masters degree).
3. As a result of #2, money has gotten tighter, but so far we are doing okay financially despite all of this. That has taken carefully planning of money usage, cutting way back on eating out, shopping smart at the grocery store, and cutting expenses where we can.
4. I started applying for a new job using my bachelors degree in June (my preference being with the University or working at another University) and so far have had one interview and no offers. I currently have four applications in with the University and a possible fifth if I decide to apply for a position at the Sacramento, CA campus. I have a week to decide whether to apply for that one or not.

This post was longer than I expected, so I will post separately about looking ahead to 2014 and my goals for 2014. I have come a long way this year and a lot has changed, but I think that 2014 is going to be another year of change. I hope this coming year will be mostly good changes.

Bad Times Do Not Last Forever

Life keeps handing me wavy lines when I am looking for straight lines.
My emotions go up and down as often as the stock market does daily.
One minute everything seems good and then tragedy strikes me down.
I bite the dust like a decrepit, sick person heading to their death bed.

My mental state feels like I got beaten with a belt one too many times.
I have bleeding "scratches" beneath the surface that only I can see.
I wear my newly formed scars from my daily battles behind my armor.
I do not want anyone to see my weaknesses and negative emotions.

I desire to appear in control, content, and full of nothing but happiness.
However I have a dark, depressed side that dwells deep inside of me.
I every day I put on a happy face and show everyone that I am strong.
Yet some days that smile is a lie and inside I am screaming and crying.

I try to see the good and be thankful in all aspects of my everyday life.
Some days that is difficult for me, I am of a pessimist and realist nature.
I have difficulty dreaming and being optimistic about anything in my life.
I work hard to see the good, because I know that there is always good.

Beneath the dirt, great things can be found like a glimmer of pure gold.
I need to see that in the end that these terrible situations will not last.
Eventually something will give and a good, calm wave will come for me.
Then I can ride that wave onwards to dry land where I will be safe again.