Falling Into the Rabbit Hole

Everyday is another set of tasks for me to complete,
As I lose my motivation to wake up in the morning.
As I slay the deranged demons hanging over my shoulder,
More barriers, challenges, and criticisms appear.

Time is passing me by at an ever increasing speed,
it's beyond my control to slow down or stop time.
Despite having so many goals and ambitions,
I can feel individuals and situations crushing me.

I am putting up a fight and am shouting, screaming,
But I cannot stop the resistance and judgement.
Some things are beyond my control and reach,
However, I can manage my actions and reactions.

I am not a victim or a helpless child in this fight,
As I slave away to have a life worth living for.
I am worth living for and have much good in my life,
And despite its difficulties life always has something great.

Unknown Father

Unknown Father

You left me and my brother at age four after the divorce,
Just because my mom took us away and left you behind.
We never got any other phone calls or visits from you,
You never even sent us any birthday cards or letters.

Why did you punish my brother and I for what mom did?
We were not to blame for your drinking and mental state.
Not our fault that my mom cheated on you while married,
She never admitted that, but she did when she met Dad.

Not our fault that you were an abusive drunk who beat her,
And was controlling and short tempered around us all.
You were not around to be a reasonable and loving parent,
Much trauma and abuse occurred in our house as a child.

We were beaten with a belt and had objects thrown at us,
I was scared of my mom's husband I was to call "Dad".
My mom belittled us and made us feel self conscious,
I never felt like I was good enough or worthy of love.

Where were you when I needed my real father there?
Where were you on our birthdays and the holidays?
I needed you to save me from various abuse and pain,
But you were nowhere to be seen or heard from again.

You even ran from the government to avoid paying,
Child support in the end was even too much work.
I despised you until I found out that you were dead,
Then I wished I had known you as my father and dad.

I wish I had found you and known who you really were,
All I have is stories that I was told which could be lies.
Your brother/my uncle contacted me after you died,
And I found out that you were more than an alcoholic.

You also were unusual, short tempered and bipolar,
See I was once diagnosed bipolar and am a bit strange.
I never understood how I fit into my modern day family,
Learning these things explained a few things about me.

I am glad to know this family now that I never knew,
You stole many years of me knowing them as family,
Their kindness and generosity was surprising to me,
They did not know me for over twenty five years.

I will never know who you really were personally,
I will only know what others have told me about you.
I was also told after your death that you were kind,
And that you were generous despite your shortcomings.

I wish I knew the truth and had gotten to know you father.
I never will get to know you and see what you were like.
I only get to know your family and see you through them.
I mourn what I never had; I never will get to meet you now.

Imprisoned in the Mind by the Past

You ponder various things in your mind each night.
You dwell on the same negative thoughts of yesterday,
Like laundry cycling in the washer and then in the dryer.
Eventually these repetitious thoughts overtake your mind.

No longer can you see or hear anything else around you.
Your own thoughts and feelings have created your prison,
Which lock you into your own personal, petite cell in hell.
The physical world now ceases to exist and has vanished.

All you can see is a pessimistic place from your memories,
One where others hurt you and cause never ending pain.
A dismal, dark place where you are a helpless victim.
Violation of your body is mercilessly forced upon you.

No one can save you and hope of running away has passed.
There is nowhere to escape to without being dragged back.
This is bigger than anything that you can fight off or run from.
Every struggle you put up, another mark is beaten onto your body.

Your memories from your dark past is strong and rules you.

All you are to them is a pretty, youthful body to abuse and use.
Your dyed blond hair, pale skin, and rail thin physique attract them.
You hate them and want to see them hurt as much as you do.

You tried to tell others and have them suffer for their deeds,
But all the ears in the walls went deaf and he was found innocent.
Justice will never come for the one that stole your innocence.
They will never payback to you what you lost from their abuse.

All you can do is somehow break out of the prison in your mind.
Find a way to leave your memories behind and live in the present.
This pain is not in the here and now and is no longer happening.
Somehow you escaped this abuse alive despite the odds of living.

The nearly dilapidated, duplex apartment with the dingy decor,
That squeaky, hard twin bed is no longer reality or in your present life.
You no longer are there in an unsafe place and can leave this behind.
This is now in your mind and your abuser is not in your life anymore.

So much is better in the now where you live with two cats and others,
You are no longer alone, abused, or powerless in your life.
Now as an adult you are able to shape your destiny and live your life
Live in the present and stop wasting your time dwelling in the past.

Inside the Dark Curtain

Anxiety and isolation drape over me,
Like a heavy curtain over a window.
So dark and suffocating inside here,
That I can barely take a deep breath.

My senses are closed off from this;
I cannot see what others are doing.
I am so consumed by my own self,
That I cannot hear the cries of others.

All I can think about is getting away,
Escaping to a peaceful place alone.
This stress is eating me for breakfast,
Like a large, starved, ravenous beast.

Something needs to change now,
I feel frozen and stuck in my mind.
I am socially shy and incompetent,
Despite my often talkative nature.

I want to be extroverted in crowds,
But I am not and often run from them.
Anxiety and stress rule over my life,
I wish to stop this crippling cycle.

One day I will be in a social situation,
Without fear of rejection and ridicule.
One day I will just openly communicate,
Without someone pushing me to do so.