The Father I Never Really Knew
You left me and my brother at age four after the divorce,
Just because my mom took us away and left you behind.
We never got any other phone calls or visits from you,
You never even sent us any birthday cards or letters.
Why did you punish my brother and I for what mom did?
We were not to blame for your drinking and mental state.
Not our fault that my mom cheated on you while married,
She never admitted that, but she did when she met Dad.
Not our fault that you were an abusive drunk who beat her,
And was controlling and short tempered around us all.
You were not around to be a reasonable and loving parent,
Much trauma and abuse occurred in our house as a child.
We were beaten with a belt and had objects thrown at us,
I was scared of my mom's husband I was to call "Dad".
My mom belittled us and made us feel self conscious,
I never felt like I was good enough or worthy of love.
Where were you when I needed my real father there?
Where were you on our birthdays and the holidays?
I needed you to save me from various abuse and pain,
But you were nowhere to be seen or heard from again.
You even ran from the government to avoid paying,
Child support in the end was even too much work.
I despised you until I found out that you were dead,
Then I wished I had known you as my father and dad.
I wish I had found you and known who you really were,
All I have is stories that I was told which could be lies.
Your brother/my uncle contacted me after you died,
And I found out that you were more than an alcoholic.
You also were unusual, short tempered and bipolar,
See I was once diagnosed bipolar and am a bit strange.
I never understood how I fit into my modern day family,
Learning these things explained a few things about me.
I am glad to know this family now that I never knew,
You stole many years of me knowing them as family,
Their kindness and generosity was surprising to me,
They did not know me for over twenty five years.
I will never know who you really were personally,
I will only know what others have told me about you.
I was also told after your death that you were kind,
And that you were generous despite your shortcomings.
I wish I knew the truth and had gotten to know you father.
I never will get to know you and see what you were like.
I only get to know your family and see you through them.
I mourn what I never had; I never will get to meet you now.