Pushing past seeing negative

As I sit once again with a heavy heart,
I feel weighed down by my problems.
I am enclosed in a self imposed cage,
Created by the negative forces present.

Behind the insecurities and depression,
I know things of beauty and joy exist.
The good requires effort and searching,
I won't find any positivity by accident.

In order to see the true picture of life,
I must be willing to search and dig deep.
There is more than seen at first glance,
Like an iceberg floating in the ocean.

The tip is the obvious aspects of life,
Which at times appear to be negative.
Below the surface is a hidden beauty,
Covered up by the blight of darkness.

Life is more than my problems and I,
A multitude of others live in my society.
We all claim a common address here,
As human members of the planet Earth.

To retain humility and a sense of reality,
I must be in touch with good and evil.
Both reside within and outside of me,
The world is like a ying yang symbol.

I just want relief from the sadness,
Caused by my problems and issues.
Hopefully changing my prospective,
Can help rescue me from my prison.

Fighting Through Life

Much has been altered,
Yet I am much the same.
Searching and yearning,
For something better.

My life can be better,
I am capable of more.
Much has changed here,
Yet didn't change enough.

I feel stuck spinning around,
Like on an endless cycle.
I can't get the motion to stop,
I still want more for myself.

I am not done striving for me,
No giving up without a fight.
Life may be fighting me like Ali,
But I will keep punching back.

Falling Into the Rabbit Hole

Everyday is another set of tasks for me to complete,
As I lose my motivation to wake up in the morning.
As I slay the deranged demons hanging over my shoulder,
More barriers, challenges, and criticisms appear.

Time is passing me by at an ever increasing speed,
it's beyond my control to slow down or stop time.
Despite having so many goals and ambitions,
I can feel individuals and situations crushing me.

I am putting up a fight and am shouting, screaming,
But I cannot stop the resistance and judgement.
Some things are beyond my control and reach,
However, I can manage my actions and reactions.

I am not a victim or a helpless child in this fight,
As I slave away to have a life worth living for.
I am worth living for and have much good in my life,
And despite its difficulties life always has something great.

From Life to Death

Death is a mistress
Looking for it's next victim
Death never gives mercy

Life can disappear
Faster than raindrops hit the ground
Life's end we cannot control

We meet our maker in the sky
Who has decided our fate
Based on the life we have lived

Our second life of eternity
Predetermined by our earthly lives
Our choices shape our outcome

How we carry out our lives
Impacts the future and history
We all leave a footprint on Earth

We determine whether the imprint
beautifies or damages the Earth
Our actions and words do matter

Everyday and every moment matter
We know not our chosen moment
For death to turn us back to dust

Unknown Father

Unknown Father

You left me and my brother at age four after the divorce,
Just because my mom took us away and left you behind.
We never got any other phone calls or visits from you,
You never even sent us any birthday cards or letters.

Why did you punish my brother and I for what mom did?
We were not to blame for your drinking and mental state.
Not our fault that my mom cheated on you while married,
She never admitted that, but she did when she met Dad.

Not our fault that you were an abusive drunk who beat her,
And was controlling and short tempered around us all.
You were not around to be a reasonable and loving parent,
Much trauma and abuse occurred in our house as a child.

We were beaten with a belt and had objects thrown at us,
I was scared of my mom's husband I was to call "Dad".
My mom belittled us and made us feel self conscious,
I never felt like I was good enough or worthy of love.

Where were you when I needed my real father there?
Where were you on our birthdays and the holidays?
I needed you to save me from various abuse and pain,
But you were nowhere to be seen or heard from again.

You even ran from the government to avoid paying,
Child support in the end was even too much work.
I despised you until I found out that you were dead,
Then I wished I had known you as my father and dad.

I wish I had found you and known who you really were,
All I have is stories that I was told which could be lies.
Your brother/my uncle contacted me after you died,
And I found out that you were more than an alcoholic.

You also were unusual, short tempered and bipolar,
See I was once diagnosed bipolar and am a bit strange.
I never understood how I fit into my modern day family,
Learning these things explained a few things about me.

I am glad to know this family now that I never knew,
You stole many years of me knowing them as family,
Their kindness and generosity was surprising to me,
They did not know me for over twenty five years.

I will never know who you really were personally,
I will only know what others have told me about you.
I was also told after your death that you were kind,
And that you were generous despite your shortcomings.

I wish I knew the truth and had gotten to know you father.
I never will get to know you and see what you were like.
I only get to know your family and see you through them.
I mourn what I never had; I never will get to meet you now.

Living Through Rejection

I keep falling down to my knees,
and I keep getting right back up.
Yet the rejections keep coming.

I try to deal with disappointment.
I try to have faith that I will make it.
Yet I keep falling down and failing.

No matter how hard I work at life,
No matter what I do with my life,
Nothing is changing for the better.

College did not change my life.
Working hard did not change my life.
I still have the same job I had before.

I keep having faith that I will succeed,
I keep applying to jobs and praying to God,
Yet I am still stuck in the same spot.

My life is remaining unchanged.
My life feels hopeless and worthless.
Yet I keep telling myself to keep going.

I will climb out of the hole in the ground.
I will succeed and be something more.
I need to do more than this with my life.

Succeed as Yourself

Fight for the things that you believe in.
Don't let life's hardships beat you down.
You are not a failure until you give up.
Work hard and fight for your dreams.

Good things in life come with a price tag.
Pay the price for all that matters to you.
Some things that are worth the high cost.
Never settle for being average or normal.

Normalcy is overrated and for the sheep.
Be true to and celebrate your unique self.
Strive to be who you want to be always.
Don't listen to the naysayers and criticizers.

You will be unhappy living for someone else.
Not everyone is meant to be the same person.
We are all unique like the snowflakes falling.
Love who you are and be proud of your beliefs.

Looking Back at 2013

One of my New Year's Traditions is to look back on the past year, see what goals I achieved and set my goals for the New Year.

2013 was a year of many changes as I had predicted it would be. Some of the changes were expected, but many of them were a total surprise. I will go more into detail about this as I review this past year's goals and achievements (I prefer the more concrete words goal and aspiration over the overused word resolution, I usually also make a vision board showcasing these aspirations for the coming year around New Years and write them down to post somewhere that I can see them everyday.

2013 Achievements:

1. I graduated Cum Laude (with honors) with my Bachelors of Science in Business Administration on September 7, 2013. 
2. I walked at the 2013 graduation on June 15, 2013. That was one of the best days of my life so far. Took me almost exactly ten years since graduating high school to achieve my goal of obtaining a college degree. To do so with honors was a bonus.
3. Celebrated my 5 year Wedding Anniversary on September 20, 2013. Given everything I am shocked that I stuck it out and did the work to stay married up until this point. I am happy most of the time that I have done so, but marriage is hard work and my marriage something I have to work at a lot of the time. With a family history of divorce and dysfunctional relationships as well as my own relationship history, I have at times had a hard time understanding how to have a happy, healthy marriage and what that even looks like. Glad to know now that mine is mostly good.
4. Have kept myself mostly healthy and am roughly the same weight as this time last year (give of take 5 or less pounds, which is fine with me) despite facing some new health issues and having to change the way I eat this year.
5. My job is stable, but a lot of restaffing changes happened this year. Despite the numerous staffing and management changes as well as our online schools' pending merger with the university, I have managed to have a good annual review and am excelling with work. Despite my stresses with work and work taking up more of my time this past summer and fall, I have come out on top. I even was awarded a presidential award from the University for my work on the RN-BSN team for the online program.

2013 Challenges:

1. Found out March 18, 2013 that I have Celiac disease after struggling with digestive and bathroom issues, increased itchiness,  mysterious rashes on my back and neck, joint pain and aches, and brain fog. I went to a completely gluten free diet since then and feel much better most of the time now both physically and mentally. I still have some bathroom issues if I don't eat enough fiber, so I track my fiber carefully now. Otherwise I am much better.
2. My husband went back to school to get his teaching certification in March of 2013. He is slated to finish his certification in December of 2014. To accelerate this process, he quit his full time job in October 2014 after we were able to find him two education based part time jobs and now an adjunct teaching an intro class at a local community college (he starts this in January 2014, finally he is using his masters degree).
3. As a result of #2, money has gotten tighter, but so far we are doing okay financially despite all of this. That has taken carefully planning of money usage, cutting way back on eating out, shopping smart at the grocery store, and cutting expenses where we can.
4. I started applying for a new job using my bachelors degree in June (my preference being with the University or working at another University) and so far have had one interview and no offers. I currently have four applications in with the University and a possible fifth if I decide to apply for a position at the Sacramento, CA campus. I have a week to decide whether to apply for that one or not.

This post was longer than I expected, so I will post separately about looking ahead to 2014 and my goals for 2014. I have come a long way this year and a lot has changed, but I think that 2014 is going to be another year of change. I hope this coming year will be mostly good changes.

Imprisoned in the Mind by the Past

You ponder various things in your mind each night.
You dwell on the same negative thoughts of yesterday,
Like laundry cycling in the washer and then in the dryer.
Eventually these repetitious thoughts overtake your mind.

No longer can you see or hear anything else around you.
Your own thoughts and feelings have created your prison,
Which lock you into your own personal, petite cell in hell.
The physical world now ceases to exist and has vanished.

All you can see is a pessimistic place from your memories,
One where others hurt you and cause never ending pain.
A dismal, dark place where you are a helpless victim.
Violation of your body is mercilessly forced upon you.

No one can save you and hope of running away has passed.
There is nowhere to escape to without being dragged back.
This is bigger than anything that you can fight off or run from.
Every struggle you put up, another mark is beaten onto your body.

Your memories from your dark past is strong and rules you.

All you are to them is a pretty, youthful body to abuse and use.
Your dyed blond hair, pale skin, and rail thin physique attract them.
You hate them and want to see them hurt as much as you do.

You tried to tell others and have them suffer for their deeds,
But all the ears in the walls went deaf and he was found innocent.
Justice will never come for the one that stole your innocence.
They will never payback to you what you lost from their abuse.

All you can do is somehow break out of the prison in your mind.
Find a way to leave your memories behind and live in the present.
This pain is not in the here and now and is no longer happening.
Somehow you escaped this abuse alive despite the odds of living.

The nearly dilapidated, duplex apartment with the dingy decor,
That squeaky, hard twin bed is no longer reality or in your present life.
You no longer are there in an unsafe place and can leave this behind.
This is now in your mind and your abuser is not in your life anymore.

So much is better in the now where you live with two cats and others,
You are no longer alone, abused, or powerless in your life.
Now as an adult you are able to shape your destiny and live your life
Live in the present and stop wasting your time dwelling in the past.

Growing Up

I remember being a young, innocent child,
Optimistic, happy, and full of imagination.
While playing I would envision my future,
A life that would be everything I wanted.

Slowly I grew into a depressive teenager,
My optimism was crushed by a harsh reality.
My dreams were replaced with nightmares,
I no longer could see past the grim present.

As I continued to grow into a young woman,
I saw the world for what was wrong and unjust.
Seeing the good in life seemed impossible,
All I could see was abuse, pain, and sadness.

I searched to see if I could find any good here,
and surprisingly beneath the dirt was some good.
Finding my optimism was a challenge that I met,
I had to grow up and look past the negative events.

Finally as a adult I could see the reality of society;
Good exists, but we cannot ignore the evil events.
Life is a balance of the sadness and joy we feel,
Dreams do not have to become extinct as adults.

I can still envision a happy future and be realistic;
I am not doomed just because real life is imperfect.
I will not give up on finding treasure under this crap;
My life is not over and I still have dreams to live out.

Holiday Blues (A Poem of Loss)

The magic of Christmas is alive and well,
But my loss forms a storm cloud over me.
I feel sadness in my heart instead of joy.
Someone I once had and cherished is gone.

At a time when I should feel happy and free,
I am painting a smile on my face with lipstick.
I adorn my body with festive, bright clothes,
All while I mourn inside for what I loved.

I watch others with loved ones and envy them,
I miss her and wish I had her around longer.
She was taken away from me before her time,
Her life was cut shorter than any life should be.

I wish I could see them and get another chance,
See what kind of person she would grow into.
If I could change one thing this would be it,
For a life should never be taken away so soon.

Summer Days

Days are long and bright
Sticky sweat is pouring off of me
Summer heat is here

Time to go cool off
A refreshing swim is great
Or a trip to the beach

Rain cannot be found here
A drought is upon this land
May cooler days come

Farmers have their crops
Produce is in season now
Fresh, ripe food is here

Fall is on its way
Back to school sales are here
Vacation will end

Bad Times Do Not Last Forever

Life keeps handing me wavy lines when I am looking for straight lines.
My emotions go up and down as often as the stock market does daily.
One minute everything seems good and then tragedy strikes me down.
I bite the dust like a decrepit, sick person heading to their death bed.

My mental state feels like I got beaten with a belt one too many times.
I have bleeding "scratches" beneath the surface that only I can see.
I wear my newly formed scars from my daily battles behind my armor.
I do not want anyone to see my weaknesses and negative emotions.

I desire to appear in control, content, and full of nothing but happiness.
However I have a dark, depressed side that dwells deep inside of me.
I every day I put on a happy face and show everyone that I am strong.
Yet some days that smile is a lie and inside I am screaming and crying.

I try to see the good and be thankful in all aspects of my everyday life.
Some days that is difficult for me, I am of a pessimist and realist nature.
I have difficulty dreaming and being optimistic about anything in my life.
I work hard to see the good, because I know that there is always good.

Beneath the dirt, great things can be found like a glimmer of pure gold.
I need to see that in the end that these terrible situations will not last.
Eventually something will give and a good, calm wave will come for me.
Then I can ride that wave onwards to dry land where I will be safe again.

Ten Things You May Not Know About Me Part 2

Hi everyone, I did a post about 10 things You May Not Know About Me last June during a time where I experienced a large increase in blog traffic. Now I have almost 150 facebook fans, planning a giveaway for when I reach fan #150. Tell your friends about this blog and have them like the blog on facebook! Here are ten more facts about me you may not know about me:

Ten More Things About Me

1. I no longer have a best friend, I simply have a few good friends now. Unfortunately some things don't last forever.

2. I am a business Major at Drexel University through their online program and became a senior not too long ago. I will be graduating next year!

3. I have a job that is demanding and often stressful, but I enjoy parts of the job.

4. My marriage is not as secure as some think. Working on making the marriage last, but I am not sure if we will last. That being said, I believe in giving everything as much effort as I can. I don't want to give up too easily. Makes me sad that I am going through a hard time there, but some of this is my own fault. I hope to beat the odds in my family and have my marriage stay intact; most marriages in my family don't last.

5. I am a very independent person and hate relying on others for things.

6. I am a perfectionist, especially with school and work. In some ways this is great and in other ways this perfectionism is a major flaw.

7. I am a Christian, but a gay friendly one that is pro gay marriage, and leans towards the liberal side!

8. In general I am a frugal/practical person and buy as many things on sale as I can. Especially food and clothes. I have no shame in using coupons or shopping off sale and clearance racks.

9. I lost my grandmother on my stepdad's side recently due to COPD complications. Cherishing the time I have left with my remaining grandfather and grandmother on my mom's side of the family. I will be heartbroken when they pass away.

10. I am in general a very honest person and work hard to be honest in a way that I don't come off as mean. I hate lying and I hate when people tell me lies! Honesty is the best policy.

If there is something about me you would like to know or have questions about, please comment on this post or email me at punkedpoetess@gmail.com.

An Overdue, Brief Update...

While I am currently experiencing a bit of writer's block, I have decided to simply write anyway. I have a lot on my mind lately and my life is in the process of undergoing some major changes. Some of them involve me and others involve family and friends who are going through significant changes. Apparently the way things were was not good enough, it had to change. I just want to be happy and feel free to write again with a positive attitude. I need to find a way to be happy and feel positive again. Sigh...

PLEASE COMMENT and tell me some topics you would like me to write about. That would help a lot! Thanks readers for sticking by me during this difficult time.

Fireworks

The fiery sun sets over the lush, green trees.
Fireflies flurry carelessly about the open fields.
Sparklers are lit for the small children to hold.
We impatiently wait for the feature presentation.

Fireworks have been promised to us on this day.
To ring in our day of freedom from the British.
Bursts of color illuminating the hazy, dark skies.
As the last bit of light from the sun vanishes away.

Shimmery, shiny lights dazzle the skies with beauty,
Every bit as beautiful as the freedom we all have.
Blue, gold, green, red, and other colors are seen.
They can be seen beyond the grassy,park's fields.

This annual tradition is a beautifully, bright display.
The next twenty minutes amaze the vast audience.
They watch attentively as the fireworks light the sky.
Bigger and grander the display becomes over time.

Then, we see a magnificant finale of several fireworks.
All of them shot off at the same time with a big bang.
This colorful, chaotic ending signifies the last chapter,
The conclusion of our thanks for our freedom in America.

Life is Not Fair, But Life is Still Good

"Life is not fair" is a quote often used by parents to their children and by people in general. With recent events that have happened to a few of my friends as well as myself, I can see how this is an absolute truth. I see people who are working hard to become who they want to be. I see individuals that are saddled down by sudden tragedies and heartaches. Breaks my heart to see those I love be hurt by the cruelty of life and its difficult situations. I know "everything happens for reason" as another commonly stated quote says, but sometimes the explanation behind certain events is hard to find or digest. I want to see the good in everything, but sometimes I feel unable to find much good in a world filled with bad news and numerous unpleasant situations. That being said, I will not give up on life. Life contains some great experiences and I want to see what is next for me and for others in my life. I know things will eventually get better, they have to at some point. I have been through and seen plenty of tough times in my past. Somehow I eventually moved on from those events. Surely I can make it through this set of obstacles and cross the finish line as a victor of my own demons, situations, and emotional baggage. Even if I need outside help, I will overcome my own difficulties once again.

My Observations About Death

Sometimes death comes gradually and is somewhat expected.
Other times, death comes over for an unexpected, terrible visit.
Death steals the lives of loved ones, enemies, and eventually us.
Unfortunately I often see the good ones die before the evildoers.

I wish that I could see death spare the good, right, and beautiful.
These individuals still have much to do when they are taken away.
Life leaves them quickly with unfinished business and dead dreams.
Often they could benefit from additional time to be alive and well.

However, you also see many who do evil and live despite everything.
Life treats them well despite their wishes to make others miserable.
They go out of their way to harm others and are selfish individuals.
They squander opportunities and waste their time on useless things.

Why do the good people of the world often die before the evildoers?
I would like to know a good reason to keep jerks from passing away.
I know everything happens for a reason, but I do not understand this.
Please start saving the good of the world and perish this residing evil.

Milestone Reflections

As continue to get older and time goes on,
I cannot help, but wonder what I have done.
Have I lived a productive, good life so far?
Am I living up to all that I can be right now?

I wonder if I will leave any marks on the world,
When my time comes to pass into the next life.
I have always wanted to make the world better,
Will I be able that or serve any good purpose?

So far I like to think that I do that in how I act.
I try to treat others the way I want to be treated.
While there are times I fail and become selfish,
I hope that overall what I do is helpful to others.

Hate Is A Strong Word

I have always been told never to hate anyone; we can "dislike" them or think some of the things they do are wrong. Honestly I do not "hate" most people, but I think a person can have a few exceptions for those individuals who have shown them or the world nothing but evil towards others. Some appear to be out to get others and do not think of anyone except themselves. Making the lives of others miserable is their driving force in life and they thrive on the misery of others. Creating drama and making others upset gives them a reason for waking up in the morning and makes them feel better about themselves. So sad, but true that people like this exist. While I believe that most are not worth hating, these few individuals are worthy of being "hated".

I adore you all and I hope you keep these types of individuals out of your life as much as possible. They are truly toxic!