Fight for the things that you believe in.
Don't let life's hardships beat you down.
You are not a failure until you give up.
Work hard and fight for your dreams.
Good things in life come with a price tag.
Pay the price for all that matters to you.
Some things that are worth the high cost.
Never settle for being average or normal.
Normalcy is overrated and for the sheep.
Be true to and celebrate your unique self.
Strive to be who you want to be always.
Don't listen to the naysayers and criticizers.
You will be unhappy living for someone else.
Not everyone is meant to be the same person.
We are all unique like the snowflakes falling.
Love who you are and be proud of your beliefs.
Showing posts with label Acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Acceptance. Show all posts
Friday, January 31, 2014
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
My Journey Towards A Healthy Body Part 2 - The High School Years
Ninth grade came and I went to a new school without the few friends I managed to make in 8th grade and the end of seventh grade (yes, it took me almost a year to find myself friends at the middle school I transferred to when I started seventh grade). So I was alone again, but this time I had embraced the fact I was not a conventional person. I was realizing that there was some things about me that many people are freaked out by, but was not ready to accept those parts of me. My eating disorder began to form a pattern of starving and binging during this time. This is where binging began to play a part in my life, which I still fight to this day.
I remember my ninth grade year alternating between binging on sweets from the vending machine at school or in secret and starving myself. Some days I would have nothing more than an apple fritter from the check cashing place across the street or a nutrigrain bar and a soda before dinner and other days I ate without abandon. All based on stress levels and the scale in the morning. I had a very stressful life at home and school was not much better. By the end of 9th grade I had a new friend, a few acquaintances, and had reached an all time "high" on the scale of 125. I also began smoking that year as I talked about in a previous post called One Ex Smoker's Tale. I was freaked out by this gain, but waited until fall to do anything about it since I spent more time at home during the summer and didn't want anyone on my trail.
Tenth grade was the year I felt I had it all together, but was also a time I started to get some answers about myself that I was not able to accept at that time. I got my first job at a doctor's office down the street from school, had a few boyfriends including my first serious relationship after being dateless in ninth grade, and I made "progress" on my quest towards looking like a rail thin model. I put most of the binging behind me for the time being and other than events like youth group trips I ate very little before dinner once again. Getting myself "under control again" by eating nutrigrain bars or drinking coffee and having a soda or yogurt for lunch along with the usual small dinner got me to 115 by the middle of my sophomore year.
I saw that number on a doctor's scale when I got a physical at the doctor's office. I remember the doctor explaining to my mother that 95% of girls my height of 5'8" weighed more than I did. While my doctor probably stated that to alert my mother subtly, my mother replied that I had always been thin and that I was just a small boned person. My secret was safe, at least from her. I also weighed in periodically at work and had my first confrontation from a classmate. She was concerned that I was too thin, but I brushed it off. Luckily she did not take her concerns any further. The end of sophomore year, I was put on birth control since I had irregular periods and was getting my period every two weeks at times and other times went a few months without bleeding at all. Over that summer 115 disappeared from the scale forever. This was due to my first serious boyfriend and I got more lax about things. I also was on birth control which made my self control slightly weaker than normal.
Got to 11th grade weighing the most I would weigh until I stopped starving myself at the age of 19. I weighed 135 and felt like a cow. In actuality I was for the first time at the lower end of the healthy weight range for my height. That year a major life changing event happened to me and I finally dealt with some things I learned about myself and accepted them as a part of me. I broke up with the serious boyfriend over him pressuring me for sex (I was still a virgin) and then got back to losing weight. After this break up, I came out of the closet as a bisexual to a few friends and started embrace who I really was. I had a short relationship with my first girlfriend which ended when she cheated on me. I had a long distance relationship later on that year with a guy and got back down to 120 by the end of the school year. Despite being on birth control most of that year, my restricting was still working to a point and remained a secret.
Senior year was all about getting the hell out of high school and being all that I could be. I had 2 AP classes that year and also had a few relationships once again including my first serious relationship with a girl. I had a starving/binging cycle similar to the one I had in 9th grade and hung out with a few other outsiders who were mostly two grades behind me. Around them I ate junk along with them sometimes and other times pretended to have already eaten. I saw my weight creep up to 135 again and then I quickly got it down to 125 in time for my first and only prom. Due to my mom and step dad's Christian Conservative background, I took a guy from church with me to prom instead of my girlfriend. I will talk more about sexuality in another post in the future. After prom I relaxed a bit and graduated high school weighing 135. I had to relax a little since my step dad finally said something to me about not eating enough and needing to eat more. This concludes my "shortened" version of my eating disorder and me in high school. The final part will be summed up with the next few days. Sorry for the long post and enjoy reading. Please comment and if you have any experience with this, please share.
I remember my ninth grade year alternating between binging on sweets from the vending machine at school or in secret and starving myself. Some days I would have nothing more than an apple fritter from the check cashing place across the street or a nutrigrain bar and a soda before dinner and other days I ate without abandon. All based on stress levels and the scale in the morning. I had a very stressful life at home and school was not much better. By the end of 9th grade I had a new friend, a few acquaintances, and had reached an all time "high" on the scale of 125. I also began smoking that year as I talked about in a previous post called One Ex Smoker's Tale. I was freaked out by this gain, but waited until fall to do anything about it since I spent more time at home during the summer and didn't want anyone on my trail.
Tenth grade was the year I felt I had it all together, but was also a time I started to get some answers about myself that I was not able to accept at that time. I got my first job at a doctor's office down the street from school, had a few boyfriends including my first serious relationship after being dateless in ninth grade, and I made "progress" on my quest towards looking like a rail thin model. I put most of the binging behind me for the time being and other than events like youth group trips I ate very little before dinner once again. Getting myself "under control again" by eating nutrigrain bars or drinking coffee and having a soda or yogurt for lunch along with the usual small dinner got me to 115 by the middle of my sophomore year.
I saw that number on a doctor's scale when I got a physical at the doctor's office. I remember the doctor explaining to my mother that 95% of girls my height of 5'8" weighed more than I did. While my doctor probably stated that to alert my mother subtly, my mother replied that I had always been thin and that I was just a small boned person. My secret was safe, at least from her. I also weighed in periodically at work and had my first confrontation from a classmate. She was concerned that I was too thin, but I brushed it off. Luckily she did not take her concerns any further. The end of sophomore year, I was put on birth control since I had irregular periods and was getting my period every two weeks at times and other times went a few months without bleeding at all. Over that summer 115 disappeared from the scale forever. This was due to my first serious boyfriend and I got more lax about things. I also was on birth control which made my self control slightly weaker than normal.
Got to 11th grade weighing the most I would weigh until I stopped starving myself at the age of 19. I weighed 135 and felt like a cow. In actuality I was for the first time at the lower end of the healthy weight range for my height. That year a major life changing event happened to me and I finally dealt with some things I learned about myself and accepted them as a part of me. I broke up with the serious boyfriend over him pressuring me for sex (I was still a virgin) and then got back to losing weight. After this break up, I came out of the closet as a bisexual to a few friends and started embrace who I really was. I had a short relationship with my first girlfriend which ended when she cheated on me. I had a long distance relationship later on that year with a guy and got back down to 120 by the end of the school year. Despite being on birth control most of that year, my restricting was still working to a point and remained a secret.
Senior year was all about getting the hell out of high school and being all that I could be. I had 2 AP classes that year and also had a few relationships once again including my first serious relationship with a girl. I had a starving/binging cycle similar to the one I had in 9th grade and hung out with a few other outsiders who were mostly two grades behind me. Around them I ate junk along with them sometimes and other times pretended to have already eaten. I saw my weight creep up to 135 again and then I quickly got it down to 125 in time for my first and only prom. Due to my mom and step dad's Christian Conservative background, I took a guy from church with me to prom instead of my girlfriend. I will talk more about sexuality in another post in the future. After prom I relaxed a bit and graduated high school weighing 135. I had to relax a little since my step dad finally said something to me about not eating enough and needing to eat more. This concludes my "shortened" version of my eating disorder and me in high school. The final part will be summed up with the next few days. Sorry for the long post and enjoy reading. Please comment and if you have any experience with this, please share.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
My Journey Towards A Healthy Body Part 1 - How It All Began
I am going to do something today I have never done before. I am going to write about my journey to a healthier me. Since this story starts with me as a child, I will be discussing this topic for at least two posts. Please note that I only blame myself for the destructive actions I did to my body and not anyone else. I believe in taking full responsibility for my actions at all times.
I remember as early as nine years old feeling insecure about my looks. Really wanting to be thin and beautiful to myself and to others. I always felt I never looked good enough for anyone including me. Looking back I was a tall child who was thin, but healthy. I wasn't a huge eater, but I did eat a plate of food at each meal and occasionally splurged on treats with the family when it seemed acceptable to do so. I wish I had stuck to this model for life, my childhood self knew portion size very well and I would have skipped certain issues if I had never let disordered eating enter into my life.
At the age of 13 my entire life as I knew it changed. We moved across the city from living next door to my best friend, to living around children that seemed snobby and were mean to me. This also meant a new school filled with people I did not know. People mostly ignored me and the few that did notice me teased me for wearing "no name" clothes. I hated this school and for the first two months read under a tree everyday during lunch. This was also the year that my depression issues started, I had my first boyfriend, got my first period, and started writing thanks to an awesome English teacher I had (she was one of the only good things about that school). I thank her for starting me out on writing and for caring about her students in a way others didn't seem to at that school.
One thing I failed to mention was that with all these changes, another thing happened. I started engaging in disordered eating. It started small with me throwing out parts of my lunch and only eating a yogurt instead of a sandwich and the yogurt along with another snack and eating smaller breakfasts like a nutrigrain or granola bar instead of the usual cereal and milk that we ate. I felt pressure to look pretty and to stay thin, I had often been reminded to not let myself get fat since it runs in the family. I also got comments about my thighs from an early age on occasion. Having my body change and losing my first boyfriend whom I loved triggered me to do everything I could to stay thin.
For years I basically only ate enough to keep others off my trail. I would eat exactly one plate for dinner and would take mostly veggies, a small amount of starch, and a small amount of meat. I almost never let myself have seconds and ate very little when I was not around my parents. I did not want them to find out, they were already smothering me in other aspects of my life. Eating was the one thing I could take charge of. I also weighed myself everyday in the upstairs bathroom first thing in the morning after using the bathroom. The number had so much control over me. My mood in the morning and often the whole day was based on the scale's results.
Middle school came and went, no one discovered anything different about me at this point except for that first boyfriend who commented on how thin I was. I even had a girl in the 8th grade call me fat because we were all having a conversation about weight and I stated that I weighed 120. Keep in mind that I was 5'7" by then and probably should have weighed slightly more at least. That comment just fueled me even more.
In my next post I will discuss my high school years and how this all progressed. Thank you all for reading my long post. I hope I didn't ramble on too much or bore you to death. Please comment, especially if you have something to share.
I remember as early as nine years old feeling insecure about my looks. Really wanting to be thin and beautiful to myself and to others. I always felt I never looked good enough for anyone including me. Looking back I was a tall child who was thin, but healthy. I wasn't a huge eater, but I did eat a plate of food at each meal and occasionally splurged on treats with the family when it seemed acceptable to do so. I wish I had stuck to this model for life, my childhood self knew portion size very well and I would have skipped certain issues if I had never let disordered eating enter into my life.
At the age of 13 my entire life as I knew it changed. We moved across the city from living next door to my best friend, to living around children that seemed snobby and were mean to me. This also meant a new school filled with people I did not know. People mostly ignored me and the few that did notice me teased me for wearing "no name" clothes. I hated this school and for the first two months read under a tree everyday during lunch. This was also the year that my depression issues started, I had my first boyfriend, got my first period, and started writing thanks to an awesome English teacher I had (she was one of the only good things about that school). I thank her for starting me out on writing and for caring about her students in a way others didn't seem to at that school.
One thing I failed to mention was that with all these changes, another thing happened. I started engaging in disordered eating. It started small with me throwing out parts of my lunch and only eating a yogurt instead of a sandwich and the yogurt along with another snack and eating smaller breakfasts like a nutrigrain or granola bar instead of the usual cereal and milk that we ate. I felt pressure to look pretty and to stay thin, I had often been reminded to not let myself get fat since it runs in the family. I also got comments about my thighs from an early age on occasion. Having my body change and losing my first boyfriend whom I loved triggered me to do everything I could to stay thin.
For years I basically only ate enough to keep others off my trail. I would eat exactly one plate for dinner and would take mostly veggies, a small amount of starch, and a small amount of meat. I almost never let myself have seconds and ate very little when I was not around my parents. I did not want them to find out, they were already smothering me in other aspects of my life. Eating was the one thing I could take charge of. I also weighed myself everyday in the upstairs bathroom first thing in the morning after using the bathroom. The number had so much control over me. My mood in the morning and often the whole day was based on the scale's results.
Middle school came and went, no one discovered anything different about me at this point except for that first boyfriend who commented on how thin I was. I even had a girl in the 8th grade call me fat because we were all having a conversation about weight and I stated that I weighed 120. Keep in mind that I was 5'7" by then and probably should have weighed slightly more at least. That comment just fueled me even more.
In my next post I will discuss my high school years and how this all progressed. Thank you all for reading my long post. I hope I didn't ramble on too much or bore you to death. Please comment, especially if you have something to share.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Stopping the Shallow Judgements
Many people are walking around our neighborhoods.
They come in different colors, shapes, and sizes.
Most of them are perfectly decent, caring people,
Yet we judge many of them based on their appearance.
Often we hear people call someone fat, anorexic, tall,
short, weird, a freak, crazy, and all sorts of other insults.
We also judge individuals for simply being themselves
.
Honestly, we are all to be unique and not like anyone.
We are not clones manufactured in a factory by machines,
We are creatures handcrafted by the universe’s creator.
So tired of these petty, shallow judgments made by others.
One should not be made fun of for being who they are.
Teasing one for their differences is like being in denial,
Denying that we are not the same as the person on TV.
Lets go back to looking at others based on how they act,
And the deeds they do for themselves as well as other people.
Appearances should not be a factor when choosing friends,
It matters how people treat us everyday, not how they look.
They come in different colors, shapes, and sizes.
Most of them are perfectly decent, caring people,
Yet we judge many of them based on their appearance.
Often we hear people call someone fat, anorexic, tall,
short, weird, a freak, crazy, and all sorts of other insults.
We also judge individuals for simply being themselves
.
Honestly, we are all to be unique and not like anyone.
We are not clones manufactured in a factory by machines,
We are creatures handcrafted by the universe’s creator.
So tired of these petty, shallow judgments made by others.
One should not be made fun of for being who they are.
Teasing one for their differences is like being in denial,
Denying that we are not the same as the person on TV.
Lets go back to looking at others based on how they act,
And the deeds they do for themselves as well as other people.
Appearances should not be a factor when choosing friends,
It matters how people treat us everyday, not how they look.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Zig Zag To My True Self
I go back and forth on my path through life,
Feeling as mixed up as a tossed salad.
I am trying to learn how to always be myself,
Even though what I am is not accepted.
I may be different, but I still need to be loved,
I may not be you, but I am okay as I am.
There is no need for me to constantly question,
Your judgements shouldn't shake me up.
Going back and forth between pleasing others,
And pleasing myself is exhausting me.
I may not be a conventional or "normal" person,
But I am still a good and valid person.
There are parts of me I still have trouble sharing,
Due to fears of rejection and ridicule.
While my friends are able to accept me already,
My family is light years behind them.
In the past, my few, true expressions of myself,
Have been thown away with the trash.
My family laughed at my feelings and my views,
I was expected to be them in my body.
That is why I have been unable to share myself,
With family for the past several years.
My sexuality is sinful to them as are my opinions;
My politics and choices are all "wrong".
Despite all of that, I am sick of playing pretend,
I long to be my self when with my family.
They are supposed to love me more than others,
I am linked to them by blood and DNA.
It is time for me to be myself everywhere I go,
Time to stop being an actress in my life.
I am not playing a part in a play written for me,
I am the director of my unwritten destiny.
Going to change and stop being afraid of them,
Since this is my life to live to the fullest.
I want to live with no regrets and in total honesty,
I am going to live unapologically now.
Feeling as mixed up as a tossed salad.
I am trying to learn how to always be myself,
Even though what I am is not accepted.
I may be different, but I still need to be loved,
I may not be you, but I am okay as I am.
There is no need for me to constantly question,
Your judgements shouldn't shake me up.
Going back and forth between pleasing others,
And pleasing myself is exhausting me.
I may not be a conventional or "normal" person,
But I am still a good and valid person.
There are parts of me I still have trouble sharing,
Due to fears of rejection and ridicule.
While my friends are able to accept me already,
My family is light years behind them.
In the past, my few, true expressions of myself,
Have been thown away with the trash.
My family laughed at my feelings and my views,
I was expected to be them in my body.
That is why I have been unable to share myself,
With family for the past several years.
My sexuality is sinful to them as are my opinions;
My politics and choices are all "wrong".
Despite all of that, I am sick of playing pretend,
I long to be my self when with my family.
They are supposed to love me more than others,
I am linked to them by blood and DNA.
It is time for me to be myself everywhere I go,
Time to stop being an actress in my life.
I am not playing a part in a play written for me,
I am the director of my unwritten destiny.
Going to change and stop being afraid of them,
Since this is my life to live to the fullest.
I want to live with no regrets and in total honesty,
I am going to live unapologically now.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New Year Changes
This year I plan to be less distressed
This year I plan to be less worried
This year I plan to be myself always
This year I plan to live without regrets
I aim to be all I can be
I aim to be more outspoken
I aim to be honest to all
I aim to keep growing up
I resolve to be more healthy
I resolve to be much happier
I resolve to speak up for me
I resolve to love myself more
I will be a better person
I will be a stronger being
I will be myself unabridged
I will be living without fear
My life will be my own responsibility
My life will be a better place to be
My life is one I will live in each day
My life today is in my own hands
Today these changes begin
Today I can control what I do
Today I can be what I want to be
Today is the start of my life.
This year I plan to be less worried
This year I plan to be myself always
This year I plan to live without regrets
I aim to be all I can be
I aim to be more outspoken
I aim to be honest to all
I aim to keep growing up
I resolve to be more healthy
I resolve to be much happier
I resolve to speak up for me
I resolve to love myself more
I will be a better person
I will be a stronger being
I will be myself unabridged
I will be living without fear
My life will be my own responsibility
My life will be a better place to be
My life is one I will live in each day
My life today is in my own hands
Today these changes begin
Today I can control what I do
Today I can be what I want to be
Today is the start of my life.
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