Imprisoned in the Mind by the Past

You ponder various things in your mind each night.
You dwell on the same negative thoughts of yesterday,
Like laundry cycling in the washer and then in the dryer.
Eventually these repetitious thoughts overtake your mind.

No longer can you see or hear anything else around you.
Your own thoughts and feelings have created your prison,
Which lock you into your own personal, petite cell in hell.
The physical world now ceases to exist and has vanished.

All you can see is a pessimistic place from your memories,
One where others hurt you and cause never ending pain.
A dismal, dark place where you are a helpless victim.
Violation of your body is mercilessly forced upon you.

No one can save you and hope of running away has passed.
There is nowhere to escape to without being dragged back.
This is bigger than anything that you can fight off or run from.
Every struggle you put up, another mark is beaten onto your body.

Your memories from your dark past is strong and rules you.

All you are to them is a pretty, youthful body to abuse and use.
Your dyed blond hair, pale skin, and rail thin physique attract them.
You hate them and want to see them hurt as much as you do.

You tried to tell others and have them suffer for their deeds,
But all the ears in the walls went deaf and he was found innocent.
Justice will never come for the one that stole your innocence.
They will never payback to you what you lost from their abuse.

All you can do is somehow break out of the prison in your mind.
Find a way to leave your memories behind and live in the present.
This pain is not in the here and now and is no longer happening.
Somehow you escaped this abuse alive despite the odds of living.

The nearly dilapidated, duplex apartment with the dingy decor,
That squeaky, hard twin bed is no longer reality or in your present life.
You no longer are there in an unsafe place and can leave this behind.
This is now in your mind and your abuser is not in your life anymore.

So much is better in the now where you live with two cats and others,
You are no longer alone, abused, or powerless in your life.
Now as an adult you are able to shape your destiny and live your life
Live in the present and stop wasting your time dwelling in the past.

Inside the Dark Curtain

Anxiety and isolation drape over me,
Like a heavy curtain over a window.
So dark and suffocating inside here,
That I can barely take a deep breath.

My senses are closed off from this;
I cannot see what others are doing.
I am so consumed by my own self,
That I cannot hear the cries of others.

All I can think about is getting away,
Escaping to a peaceful place alone.
This stress is eating me for breakfast,
Like a large, starved, ravenous beast.

Something needs to change now,
I feel frozen and stuck in my mind.
I am socially shy and incompetent,
Despite my often talkative nature.

I want to be extroverted in crowds,
But I am not and often run from them.
Anxiety and stress rule over my life,
I wish to stop this crippling cycle.

One day I will be in a social situation,
Without fear of rejection and ridicule.
One day I will just openly communicate,
Without someone pushing me to do so.

Secret Beauty

There was once a girl who had an unusual appearance.
She had long, wavy hair as dark as a moonless night.
Her eyes were glowing green and held a big mystery.
There was a secret that this beautiful girl was hiding.

While she appears to strangers as someone ordinary,
Inside she was harboring a story filled with sorrow.
With this story was painful memories she tried to hide.
Ones that shaped her being right down to her soul.

She was secretly troubled and was hiding her demons.
Those very things she stashed away were seeping out.
Coming out without her own permission or consent.
This was as much a part of her as the things she said.

Now everyone was able to see her and all her flaws.
She was not as perfect as she appeared to be in public.
She was a flawed, sinful being just like the rest of them.
Out the surprising secrets came like a break in the dam.

This news about her surprised those surrounding her.
After the shock wore off they saw she was no better.
She was full of catastrophic mistakes just like them.
She was not so perfect and put together after all.

Despite her massive flaws, she was not shunned.
Stones and evil insults did not get thrown at her.
They did something she never expected them to do.
They all stopped to listen and got to know her better.

Zig Zag To My True Self

I go back and forth on my path through life,
Feeling as mixed up as a tossed salad.
I am trying to learn how to always be myself,
Even though what I am is not accepted.

I may be different, but I still need to be loved,
I may not be you, but I am okay as I am.
There is no need for me to constantly question,
Your judgements shouldn't shake me up.

Going back and forth between pleasing others,
And pleasing myself is exhausting me.
I may not be a conventional or "normal" person,
But I am still a good and valid person.

There are parts of me I still have trouble sharing,
Due to fears of rejection and ridicule.
While my friends are able to accept me already,
My family is light years behind them.

In the past, my few, true expressions of myself,
Have been thown away with the trash.
My family laughed at my feelings and my views,
I was expected to be them in my body.

That is why I have been unable to share myself,
With family for the past several years.
My sexuality is sinful to them as are my opinions;
My politics and choices are all "wrong".

Despite all of that, I am sick of playing pretend,
I long to be my self when with my family.
They are supposed to love me more than others,
I am linked to them by blood and DNA.

It is time for me to be myself everywhere I go,
Time to stop being an actress in my life.
I am not playing a part in a play written for me,
I am the director of my unwritten destiny.

Going to change and stop being afraid of them,
Since this is my life to live to the fullest.
I want to live with no regrets and in total honesty,
I am going to live unapologically now.