Looking Back at 2013

One of my New Year's Traditions is to look back on the past year, see what goals I achieved and set my goals for the New Year.

2013 was a year of many changes as I had predicted it would be. Some of the changes were expected, but many of them were a total surprise. I will go more into detail about this as I review this past year's goals and achievements (I prefer the more concrete words goal and aspiration over the overused word resolution, I usually also make a vision board showcasing these aspirations for the coming year around New Years and write them down to post somewhere that I can see them everyday.

2013 Achievements:

1. I graduated Cum Laude (with honors) with my Bachelors of Science in Business Administration on September 7, 2013. 
2. I walked at the 2013 graduation on June 15, 2013. That was one of the best days of my life so far. Took me almost exactly ten years since graduating high school to achieve my goal of obtaining a college degree. To do so with honors was a bonus.
3. Celebrated my 5 year Wedding Anniversary on September 20, 2013. Given everything I am shocked that I stuck it out and did the work to stay married up until this point. I am happy most of the time that I have done so, but marriage is hard work and my marriage something I have to work at a lot of the time. With a family history of divorce and dysfunctional relationships as well as my own relationship history, I have at times had a hard time understanding how to have a happy, healthy marriage and what that even looks like. Glad to know now that mine is mostly good.
4. Have kept myself mostly healthy and am roughly the same weight as this time last year (give of take 5 or less pounds, which is fine with me) despite facing some new health issues and having to change the way I eat this year.
5. My job is stable, but a lot of restaffing changes happened this year. Despite the numerous staffing and management changes as well as our online schools' pending merger with the university, I have managed to have a good annual review and am excelling with work. Despite my stresses with work and work taking up more of my time this past summer and fall, I have come out on top. I even was awarded a presidential award from the University for my work on the RN-BSN team for the online program.

2013 Challenges:

1. Found out March 18, 2013 that I have Celiac disease after struggling with digestive and bathroom issues, increased itchiness,  mysterious rashes on my back and neck, joint pain and aches, and brain fog. I went to a completely gluten free diet since then and feel much better most of the time now both physically and mentally. I still have some bathroom issues if I don't eat enough fiber, so I track my fiber carefully now. Otherwise I am much better.
2. My husband went back to school to get his teaching certification in March of 2013. He is slated to finish his certification in December of 2014. To accelerate this process, he quit his full time job in October 2014 after we were able to find him two education based part time jobs and now an adjunct teaching an intro class at a local community college (he starts this in January 2014, finally he is using his masters degree).
3. As a result of #2, money has gotten tighter, but so far we are doing okay financially despite all of this. That has taken carefully planning of money usage, cutting way back on eating out, shopping smart at the grocery store, and cutting expenses where we can.
4. I started applying for a new job using my bachelors degree in June (my preference being with the University or working at another University) and so far have had one interview and no offers. I currently have four applications in with the University and a possible fifth if I decide to apply for a position at the Sacramento, CA campus. I have a week to decide whether to apply for that one or not.

This post was longer than I expected, so I will post separately about looking ahead to 2014 and my goals for 2014. I have come a long way this year and a lot has changed, but I think that 2014 is going to be another year of change. I hope this coming year will be mostly good changes.

Can I Come Out Now As the Real Me?

As life takes a turn into the darkness,
Solitary living is no longer a comfort.
While you feel imprisoned in yourself,
You wish someone could rescue you.

You wish that everything would end,
That worries would resolve themselves.
The pressure to handle everything right,
That intense feeling is almost too much.

Trapped tears remain behind my eyes,
Secrets stay safe in the back of my mind.
The pressure to please others is immense,
I yet to learn to not care what they think.

I want to be myself and not have "selves",
But cannot let go of their earned approval.
Actual me contains parts many would hate,
I accept them yet am fearing their rejection.

I am not the person they expect me to be,
I am not straight, conservative, and perky.
Instead I am a realist, free spirited, bisexual,
And not as religious as some would think.

I am ready to let my true self out in my life,
But am fearing rejection and hate from family.
I am fearing being kicked out of certain things,
I fear my life being ruined by my truthfulness.

However, I am no longer comfortable living,
With secrets and my many assumed persona's.
I feel I am old enough to live as my true self,
But am I ready to surrender and face my critics?

My Journey Towards A Healthy Body Part 2 - The High School Years

Ninth grade came and I went to a new school without the few friends I managed to make in 8th grade and the end of seventh grade  (yes, it took me almost a year to find myself friends at the middle school I transferred to when I started seventh grade). So I was alone again, but this time I had embraced the fact I was not a conventional person. I was realizing that there was some things about me that many people are freaked out by, but was not ready to accept those parts of me. My eating disorder began to form a pattern of starving and binging during this time. This is where binging began to play a part in my life, which I still fight to this day.

I remember my ninth grade year alternating between binging on sweets from the vending machine at school or in secret and starving myself. Some days I would have nothing more than an apple fritter from the check cashing place across the street or a nutrigrain bar and a soda before dinner and other days I ate without abandon. All based on stress levels and the scale in the morning. I had a very stressful life at home and school was not much better. By the end of 9th grade I had a new friend, a few acquaintances, and had reached an all time "high" on the scale of 125. I also began smoking that year as I talked about in a previous post called One Ex Smoker's Tale. I was freaked out by this gain, but waited until fall to do anything about it since I spent more time at home during the summer and didn't want anyone on my trail.

Tenth grade was the year I felt I had it all together, but was also a time I started to get some answers about myself that I was not able to accept at that time. I got my first job at a doctor's office down the street from school, had a few boyfriends including my first serious relationship after being dateless in ninth grade, and I made "progress" on my quest towards looking like a rail thin model. I put most of the binging behind me for the time being and other than events like youth group trips I ate very little before dinner once again. Getting myself "under control again" by eating nutrigrain bars or drinking coffee and having a soda or yogurt for lunch along with the usual small dinner got me to 115 by the middle of my sophomore year.

I saw that number on a doctor's scale when I got a physical at the doctor's office. I remember the doctor explaining to my mother that 95% of girls my height of 5'8" weighed more than I did. While my doctor probably stated that to alert my mother subtly, my mother replied that I had always been thin and that I was just a small boned person. My secret was safe, at least from her. I also weighed in periodically at work and had my first confrontation from a classmate. She was concerned that I was too thin, but I brushed it off. Luckily she did not take her concerns any further. The end of sophomore year, I was put on birth control since I had irregular periods and was getting my period every two weeks at times and other times went a few months without bleeding at all. Over that summer 115 disappeared from the scale forever. This was due to my first serious boyfriend and I got more lax about things. I also was on birth control which made my self control slightly weaker than normal.

Got to 11th grade weighing the most I would weigh until I stopped starving myself at the age of 19. I weighed 135 and felt like a cow. In actuality I was for the first time at the lower end of the healthy weight range for my height. That year a major life changing event happened to me and I finally dealt with some things I learned about myself and accepted them as a part of me. I broke up with the serious boyfriend over him pressuring me for sex (I was still a virgin) and then got back to losing weight. After this break up, I came out of the closet as a bisexual to a few friends and started embrace who I really was. I had a short relationship with my first girlfriend which ended when she cheated on me. I had a long distance relationship later on that year with a guy and got back down to 120 by the end of the school year. Despite being on birth control most of that year, my restricting was still working to a point and remained a secret.

Senior year was all about getting the hell out of high school and being all that I could be. I had 2 AP classes that year and also had a few relationships once again including my first serious relationship with a girl. I had a starving/binging cycle similar to the one I had in 9th grade and hung out with a few other outsiders who were mostly two grades behind me. Around them I ate junk along with them sometimes and other times pretended to have already eaten. I saw my weight creep up to 135 again and then I quickly got it down to 125 in time for my first and only prom. Due to my mom and step dad's Christian Conservative background, I took a guy from church with me to prom instead of my girlfriend. I will talk more about sexuality in another post in the future. After prom I relaxed a bit and graduated high school weighing 135. I had to relax a little since my step dad finally said something to me about not eating enough and needing to eat more. This concludes my "shortened" version of my eating disorder and me in high school.  The final part will be summed up with the next few days. Sorry for the long post and enjoy reading. Please comment and if you have any experience with this, please share.

Battered Woman

The man loves to dominate
The native woman lets him.
The man strikes the woman.
This woman lets him hurt her.

Over time she is weakened.
His attacks grow more intense.
Her arms are covered in bruises.
His ego is way out of control.

One day, something changes.
Her eyes begin to open wide.
She starts to see a way out.
She sees that she needs to leave.

As soon as she found a safe haven,
She left her husband in the night.
She ran off while he was sleeping.
This way she could protect herself.

Thankfully this woman was not me.
However I knew someone like this.
I am glad she got out of there alive.
Unfortunately not all victims survive.

A Letter to My So Called Former "Friend"

Dear Person Who Perpetually Took Advantage of Me,

I am not going to let you win and beat me down. You think you can take me over and rule over me like an overbearing parent. This is where you are wrong. Don't mistake a nice person for a doormat. I am not going to let you wipe your filth on me and make me feel worthless. Your crazy antics are not bringing me down and I am using my time away from you to better myself. I always thought you were helping me, but really you were hurting me.

I let your manipulative actions cloud my mind and I lost control of myself and forgot who I was. Your growing web of lies was covering my judgement and turning it into a fog. Once I was able to untangle myself from you and stop being your prey, I started to see what a pathological liar you really are. I believe you will be exposed for what you are and who you really are as time passes by. You will get pay back for the lies you told about the person you called "my best friend"! I don't need to enact revenge, I fully believe God and the universe itself will take care of that for me. What comes around, goes around so watch your deceitful back! Don't let the door hit your behind on the way out of my life, you have hurt me more than you would ever know or care to know! Goodbye and good riddance to you. I am better off without you in my life and am over letting you walk all over me.

Rae Jeannine

Been Away From Here

Away like the deadbeat Dad I have been,
Without a care to those who are here.
I snuck away in the night unnoticed,
While others were sound asleep.

I tried to start over as someone better,
However my baggage followed me.
My problems are still with me today,
As much as I have changed since then.

I guess the saying is an absolute truth,
"You can't run away from your problems".
They followed me here and I want to run,
Run away from those things once again.

I miss the good things I ran from last time,
I am going back to those things I loved.
This proves I cannot run to escape my pain,
I must stay and fight like a strong warrior.

I am going back to where I used to be,
Going to face those I used to be around.
Time for me to act as a responsible adult,
And face everything around me like I should.

Together Forever Does Not Always Happen

Green represents jealousey and envy they say,
Red represents great love, passion, and sex,
What color is for those who have no one?

Is it blue, which is depression and sadness?
Is it black, the color of complete darkness?
You could say lack of love is black and blue.

Not having someone to love and care for,
That could cause a deep depression I guess,
It could make the whole world seem dark.

I guess romance is often overrated by many,
You hear more about people's hearts breaking,
Infidelity, and divorce than of long lasting love.

In fact half of people who marry here divorce,
At least half, maybe more so love is hard for us,
Finding a true love can almost seem unrealistic.

Depression and darkness loom from a love lost,
Seems to be more realistic than together forever,
Yet we all hope for that each time we find someone.

Maybe one we will find prince charming or a princess,
Likely though we will think we have them and won't,
We will find ourselves chasing "love" for many years.

We think we can't be alone, because we will feel lonely,
We want someone to hold and to keep us company,
We want to be told we are ok just the way we are.

In actuality, we will end up hating "love" eventually,
Because it has brought us excrutiating pain everytime,
And the happiness it caused was too short, not forever. ♥