Updates About My Life

Here is a growing list of reasons I have not been blogging much:

1. I was taking a very hard class that finished last week (I am a part time student that will be going full time in the fall so that I can finish my BS degree in Business Administration in March of 2013). I also work full time.
2. I am dealing with a number of bad events with my family as well as my husband's family, I will detail these below so I can let these worries of mine out somewhere.
2A. My mother in law is in the final stages of lupus and has to get risky surgery to remove clots in her legs in the coming weeks.
2B. My mother is remarrying for the third time by later on this year to a guy I have only met once. He barely spoke to me and also my mother has only been divorced since last March and got engaged on Christmas Eve. While I want my mother to be happy, I feel conflicted about this guy and hope he doesn't take my mother away from me and my biological brother as well as my two step siblings from her second marriage. I don't hear from her often anymore and don't have a strong relationship with my mom. The poem I wrote about my mother here not too long ago spells out a lot of why this relationship is weak at this point. I also will be getting a nine year old stepsister from this new marriage whom I have never met.
2C. My older step-brother was recently diagnosted with HIV, possibly full blown AIDS and isn't doing so well. I found out a few days ago from my stepdad that his medicine is having negative side effects on him. He has been in the hospital at least twice since Christmastime for Pnemonia and I am concerned that I will lose the one person who somewhat understands me in my family. I hope he can get meds that help him live longer and in less pain soon. I am considering doing the AIDS walk in town in honor of him this year.
2D. A few months ago I had a miscarriage and that has made me evaluate what I am meant to do right now and what actually matters to me.

I know this is confusing and probably whiny sounding. I just needed to get this out somewhere since I am going crazy lately and have major writer's block when I try to write here. I hope to get that outlet open again and write more soon even if my writing is different from what it has been. Thank you all for following this blog and understanding why I have not been here. I hope to allow myself to post more freely now and to be here now and then.

My Mother

One day an explosive attack happened to me on the phone.
This one harmed me with its harsh words and screams.
Her selfish statements cut me like a knife to my chest.
I couldn't believe my own mother had said these things.

She was supposed to love my brother and I endlessly,
Yet all she ever thinks about now is herself and her wants.
She used to be our mother and she cared deeply about us.
Now she only talks to us to criticize us and put us down.

She gives "advice" in between the hurtful words she says,
While living a reckless, impulsive life full of terrible choices.

I used to look up to her for working hard at her simple life,
For not abandoning me and my brother as small children.
While our sperm donor father vanished into the dark night,
She stayed and took care of us as our responsible mother.

Now I have mom acting as a teenager with a full time job,
Dating and marrying, then divorcing to marry a man again.
Her emotions unpredictable and often filled with livid rage.
Her concerns dictated by her unpredictable, unstable moods.

I feel mentally abandoned by my mom and can't talk to her,
My life puzzles her and she acts judgemental towards me.
I try to accept her life without judgement over her choices.
Yet I don't get "motherly" love and affection in return.

Others in my life are proud of me and support my actions,
Yet she snubs me, when she matters the most to me.
I feel like she has given up on me and my brother's lives.
She has decided in her mind she is done being my mother.

I have grown up, but I still need my mom for some things.
A mom and dad's job is never completely done in my eyes.
Yet she has moved on and barely talks to me or my brother.

I guess it is time to say goodbye to the mother I thought I had.
I loved her more than anyone else I ever knew on this earth.
I hope the mom who raised my brother and I isn't gone forever.
I loved that mom and I still love my mom. We still need her.

Together Forever Does Not Always Happen

Green represents jealousey and envy they say,
Red represents great love, passion, and sex,
What color is for those who have no one?

Is it blue, which is depression and sadness?
Is it black, the color of complete darkness?
You could say lack of love is black and blue.

Not having someone to love and care for,
That could cause a deep depression I guess,
It could make the whole world seem dark.

I guess romance is often overrated by many,
You hear more about people's hearts breaking,
Infidelity, and divorce than of long lasting love.

In fact half of people who marry here divorce,
At least half, maybe more so love is hard for us,
Finding a true love can almost seem unrealistic.

Depression and darkness loom from a love lost,
Seems to be more realistic than together forever,
Yet we all hope for that each time we find someone.

Maybe one we will find prince charming or a princess,
Likely though we will think we have them and won't,
We will find ourselves chasing "love" for many years.

We think we can't be alone, because we will feel lonely,
We want someone to hold and to keep us company,
We want to be told we are ok just the way we are.

In actuality, we will end up hating "love" eventually,
Because it has brought us excrutiating pain everytime,
And the happiness it caused was too short, not forever. ♥