My Sudden Loss - One Year Ago Today

Amazing how my life has changed from a year ago today. This time last year I was excited about welcoming a new boy or girl into the world with my husband. Since I have PCOS and he has a low count, the pregnancy I was having was a miracle in my mind. Especially since we did not have any fertility treatments, which the doctors thought I would need. While that pregnancy was not completely planned, we were happy about it and were making preparations to welcome him or her into the world. My due date was July 7, 2011 and I was 10 weeks along in my pregnancy when the most horrible thing happened to my unborn child.

I had a miscarriage on 12/9/2010, which was one year ago today. I got home from work that day and was really tired, had some pains, and was feeling sick. I didn't think much of it since I was having small pains on and off in the pelvic area  for the past two weeks and often got a slight bit sick in the afternoon which would sometimes last until I went to bed. My sickness was more of a afternoon into the evening sickness than the advertised morning sickness. I had no idea what was about to happen and had never been pregnant before, so I had nothing to compare this to.

Next thing I know I am starting to bleed like I am starting my period, except that my cramps were 5-10 times worse than normal and the bleeding was different. Really heavy and watery with huge clots. I was absolutely panicky. My husband and I consulted my OB/GYN, whom I had switched to a few weeks before. She specializes in PCOS and infertility issues and is the first good OB/GYN I have had. She told me that I was probably miscarrying. She made an appointment for me to get checked out the next week and told me to go to the ER if things got any worse. Lucky for me I passed it all through at home and even went to work the next day wearing an overnight pad with more of them in my purse. It was the shortest "period" I had ever had, but was also the most painful. I even saw grayish tissue in the toilet a few times, which made me really sad. Within three days it was all down to spotting. I still held on to hope that maybe my baby survived, but deep down knew it was all over.

A few days later, I went to the doctor and had my HCG tested. There was not any left in my system and she confirmed that the baby was gone. I had a follow up appointment a few weeks later where she made sure I passed everything through and I had. This tragic event nearly ruined my Christmas and I cried hysterically on Christmas morning when I woke up. I also had a few vivid dreams about the baby after the miscarriage and during my pregnancy as well. I know he or she is up there and I will see my baby in the afterlife.

My husband took this news as badly as I did, since he really wanted a child and I am sure he loved the baby. I could go either way, but I was sad simply because I was already attached to them and was mentally ready for them to come into the world. Took me about 2-3 months to start to heal from this and I am not sure that my husband fully did. We both talk about it every now and then and are closer than ever despite this tragic loss.

Now a year later we both have changed some and evaluate life differently. I count my blessings and am thankful to have a few great people in my life, a decent place to live, a good job, college to attend, and my two cats among many other things. Looking back I see that while we would have been good parents to that child, we were not completely ready to be parents at that time. Now I hope to one day adopt a child or two. I might try having another one, but not for awhile. Looking over my life, I decided it was more important for me to finish college and to get myself more together before bringing an adopted child into my home or having a baby. I have about 2-2.5 years until I graduate. I will revisit the idea of having children when I get my bachelor's degree. By then I will be 29-30 years old which is fine, especially since I am very open to adoption if I cannot concieve a child.

Updates About My Life

Here is a growing list of reasons I have not been blogging much:

1. I was taking a very hard class that finished last week (I am a part time student that will be going full time in the fall so that I can finish my BS degree in Business Administration in March of 2013). I also work full time.
2. I am dealing with a number of bad events with my family as well as my husband's family, I will detail these below so I can let these worries of mine out somewhere.
2A. My mother in law is in the final stages of lupus and has to get risky surgery to remove clots in her legs in the coming weeks.
2B. My mother is remarrying for the third time by later on this year to a guy I have only met once. He barely spoke to me and also my mother has only been divorced since last March and got engaged on Christmas Eve. While I want my mother to be happy, I feel conflicted about this guy and hope he doesn't take my mother away from me and my biological brother as well as my two step siblings from her second marriage. I don't hear from her often anymore and don't have a strong relationship with my mom. The poem I wrote about my mother here not too long ago spells out a lot of why this relationship is weak at this point. I also will be getting a nine year old stepsister from this new marriage whom I have never met.
2C. My older step-brother was recently diagnosted with HIV, possibly full blown AIDS and isn't doing so well. I found out a few days ago from my stepdad that his medicine is having negative side effects on him. He has been in the hospital at least twice since Christmastime for Pnemonia and I am concerned that I will lose the one person who somewhat understands me in my family. I hope he can get meds that help him live longer and in less pain soon. I am considering doing the AIDS walk in town in honor of him this year.
2D. A few months ago I had a miscarriage and that has made me evaluate what I am meant to do right now and what actually matters to me.

I know this is confusing and probably whiny sounding. I just needed to get this out somewhere since I am going crazy lately and have major writer's block when I try to write here. I hope to get that outlet open again and write more soon even if my writing is different from what it has been. Thank you all for following this blog and understanding why I have not been here. I hope to allow myself to post more freely now and to be here now and then.