Unknown Father

Unknown Father

You left me and my brother at age four after the divorce,
Just because my mom took us away and left you behind.
We never got any other phone calls or visits from you,
You never even sent us any birthday cards or letters.

Why did you punish my brother and I for what mom did?
We were not to blame for your drinking and mental state.
Not our fault that my mom cheated on you while married,
She never admitted that, but she did when she met Dad.

Not our fault that you were an abusive drunk who beat her,
And was controlling and short tempered around us all.
You were not around to be a reasonable and loving parent,
Much trauma and abuse occurred in our house as a child.

We were beaten with a belt and had objects thrown at us,
I was scared of my mom's husband I was to call "Dad".
My mom belittled us and made us feel self conscious,
I never felt like I was good enough or worthy of love.

Where were you when I needed my real father there?
Where were you on our birthdays and the holidays?
I needed you to save me from various abuse and pain,
But you were nowhere to be seen or heard from again.

You even ran from the government to avoid paying,
Child support in the end was even too much work.
I despised you until I found out that you were dead,
Then I wished I had known you as my father and dad.

I wish I had found you and known who you really were,
All I have is stories that I was told which could be lies.
Your brother/my uncle contacted me after you died,
And I found out that you were more than an alcoholic.

You also were unusual, short tempered and bipolar,
See I was once diagnosed bipolar and am a bit strange.
I never understood how I fit into my modern day family,
Learning these things explained a few things about me.

I am glad to know this family now that I never knew,
You stole many years of me knowing them as family,
Their kindness and generosity was surprising to me,
They did not know me for over twenty five years.

I will never know who you really were personally,
I will only know what others have told me about you.
I was also told after your death that you were kind,
And that you were generous despite your shortcomings.

I wish I knew the truth and had gotten to know you father.
I never will get to know you and see what you were like.
I only get to know your family and see you through them.
I mourn what I never had; I never will get to meet you now.

My Current Obsessions

As I have discussed at great length, I have had my addictions and overcame many of them. While I don't have any life threatening ones now, I still become obsessed with things very easily. Here are some current addictions/obsessions I have:

1. Coffee/diet soda - I love caffeine, helps me to have energy and stay awake. Also, I love the taste of coffee and diet soda. Have cut back to a diet soda or less a day now, but that has not been easy to do.

2. Big Bang Theory - All you have to do to see that is visit me on twitter, I talked a ton about this show tonight. Watching reruns of Big Bang Theory on TBS right now when I should be going to bed. I love the show, especially Sheldon. FYI my screen name on Twitter is punkedpoetess.

3. Food - I love eating it, cooking it, baking it, and all aspects of food really. Unfortunately I do not have the perfect body, but I work very hard to keep this obsession from making me a fat or too skinny person. In the past I have had eating disorder tendencies and still struggle with emotional/binge eating and wanting to starve myself at times. Luckily I am smarter now and mostly take care of myself. I will discuss my journey in this area in the future, this is a very difficult topic for me to talk about.

4. Running - While I prefer not to be a competitive runner I have found out, I like the "high" I get from running and do some running intervals and shorter runs a few times a week in addition to many other forms of exercise. Exercise in general is a major reason that I have been able to stay off antidepressants at the moment. I hope it keeps working since I hate the way my body reacts to antidepressants.

I am sure I have other obsessions, but these are my major ones today. Some of them change all the time, but most of these (especially #1 and #3) are mainstays of mine and I doubt are going anywhere. I hope this post entertained you all.

P.S. Don't forget to regularly check the facebook page for updates and to comment and like some of the posts. I often post exclusive material there and updates that give you all further insight into the background of my blog posts and myself as a person.

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I Can't Help You Unless You Want Help

I see your fragile, small body in front of me,
Beaten down, wrecked, and attacked.
Drugs, sickness, and time have drained you;
I am not sure how much more you can take.

I worry daily about your safety and well being,
I don't want you to die at such a young age.
I am not much younger than you are right now,
And I know that I am not ready to pass away.

I keep trying to save you from your demons,
But I know that I cannot save you from this.
Unless you want to escape your addictions,
You will never get better or obtain your dreams.

There are many hidden talents locked in you,
Deep inside you have skills I can only dream of.
I wish you would use them and not abuse them,
You are wasting what has been given to you.

 It is not too late for you to overcome your vices,
Not too late to turn your life into something great.
You don't have to be the helpless victim anymore,
We are now adults that control our own destiny.

I want you to be able to see what I see in you,
You are someone special to me, an old friend.
You are one of my greatest allies that I have,
I am not ready to let go of what can be for you.

I will never quit fighting for you as long as you live,
Despite these mistakes your life's has not concluded.
Please seek help with dealing with your vicious vices,
I have had to go seek help in my own darkest hours.

Your getting help is not a sign of weakness to me,
Doing this is the ultimate sign of power and strength.
While I cannot force you to get the help you need,
I can support you while you do this for yourself.

I just want you to know that I will always love you,
No matter what happens you are still my friend.
While I am pleading for you to get clean and sober,
I can't help you unless you want to change your life.

Why I Must Say Goodbye to You

Friend, I really care about you and your wellbeing.
What you are doing to yourself worries me sick.
I have nightmares foretelling of your fatal fate.

I am grieving you and you are not even dead.
Your disturbing words and careless actions worry me.
Addictions are overtaking you and your life.

I miss the carefree times we used to share together.
The days before alcohol became your best friend.
We used to laugh and hang out without any drama.

You were the one person I could count on to be there.
The one person that accepted me for who I was.
This change in you leaves a burning hole inside of me.

You are no longer a reliable or trustworthy person.
You steal and lie to others without genuine remorse.
An empty "I'm sorry" will not solve everything.


I need you to change and be the person you can be.
So many talents and gifts are hidden in your mind.
Your afflictions and addictions are covering your worth.

I cannot be around you while you act so negatively.
Your destructive path is eating away at my mental state.
Until you get out of this pattern I need to let you go.

Goodbye, I love you very much and always have.
I hope I am not saying goodbye for all eternity.
I would like to see you again before you pass away.

Goodbye Depression

Depression, oh I despite you. You take away my desire to leave the house. You try to put me under a spell of laziness involving mindless television and solitary confinement. When you are around, I feel the need to be alone constantly. You tell me to stay away from other people and to just shut myself away from the world. My computer and my television is all I need according to you.

You also want me to medicate myself, so that I forget that I am feeling down. You give me ideas to drink up, smoke up, harm myself, and to either eat whatever I feel like eating or severely restrict my eating to gain control of myself and my life. You toy with my mind and with my addictive personality tendencies in order to gain control of me. In the past I would listen to you and would turn to some or all of these things so that I could cope with my life. Your dark cloud of hazy judgement sounds great at the time, but in retrospect your "wisdom" is a recipe for disaster.

This time, I am doing things a little bit differently. I am forcing myself to deal with how I feel. I am making myself stay active both physically and socially. I will not isolate myself from loved ones and close myself off from the world. Also, I am not going to listen to you and use substances or disordered eating patterns as a drug. I am now stronger than that and can fight you. I am still going strong and will get help if you continue to hang around me. I will not let life or the cold weather destroy me. I will not let you take over me and fall for your lies again. This time I am going to stay healthy in all aspects of my life. I am done letting you take over me.I am ready to get rid of my depressive state in any way I can without causing any harm to myself.

One Ex Smoker's Tale

* This is my real life story about one of my former addictions and the hardest one I have broken to date, cigarettes. This will be the first of two posts about things I have overcome. I believe they are all things many people out there have dealt with or are dealing with in their lives. Sorry for the long post, but this has been a long journey. I am glad I came out of it without an illness or death.

My Journey From Smoker to Ex Smoker

My journey with cigarettes started when I was 15. I remember it was St. Patrick's Day and I was at my step sibling's house with their mom and step dad. My stepsister had some friends over and I immediately was interested in the one guy. We went to the mall to hang out and I realized that this guy was a smoker. I had never smoked before and even turned down cigarettes a few times before this. Unfortunately, I decided to impress him by smoking in front of him. I had my stepsister give me one of her cigarettes and I smoked one in front of him while we were waiting to go into Denny's for dinner. Immediately, I loved the high of the cigarette and I ended up buying my own pack of Marlboro menthol light 100's that night at the local 7 eleven.

In the end, this guy turned out to be a drugged up loser and we never ended up dating. However I was left with a companion I would be hot and cold with for the next several years. For the rest of my high school career I smoked on and off, mostly on. Since I turned 18 during my 11th grade year and laws were passed where you had to be 18 to buy cigarettes, I ended up buying my "friends" cigarettes if they gave me money later on.

Senior year is when my smoking became a bigger problem and my mom found out I was smoking. While she was very upset and tried to stop me, I just became even sneakier about it. If anything, I smoked more and more as that school year went on. I was dealing with big issues at home involving my sexuality and other things that are a story in itself. There also was stress at school, I was in a few relationships with females that weren't healthy, and had "friends" around me who smoked, cut classes frequently, and did various drugs. While I did not do drugs with them and I rarely cut class with them, I did smoke at the smoker tree and in the back of the school with them. It was one way I could belong with them since I was an outcast that had nowhere else to go at the time. Smoking gave me relief from this stress and also gave me a place to go to at the time.

I managed to quit smoking after graduation since I was working at a summer camp for the summer that was smoke free. I needed to earn money for college textbooks and it was the only job I could find and get for that summer. The withdrawal was tough, but I managed to quit and even stay smoke free when I went home on the weekends. It had seemed like I was an ex-smoker for good, but that was not to be the case.

That fall, I started my freshman year of college and was going to school 1.5 hours away from home. Quickly stress from the coursework and finding my way in the social order had me turn back to smoking. Now that no parents were around, I smoked more than ever before. I found a few friends and started drinking on the weekends as well. I was on the outside having the time of my life, but deep inside things from the past were eating me alive. Smoking, drinking, and at one point smoking pot were how I dealt with these things. I saw a psychiatrist for a few months, but the antidepressants made me go manic and I felt worse rather than better. After a dismal second semester, I dropped out of college and moved in with my boyfriend and his friends. I needed a new beginning and was not ready to deal with anymore school for the time being. I also needed to assert my independence and live my life as an adult. I practically was one at college anyways. I worked 15-20 hours a week and took care of any needs I had that financial aid did not cover.

After I moved away, I smoked on and off but never chain smoked again. I also gave up smoking pot, but that was easy for me. The next few years I focused on building a career in business and had a few different jobs before getting my current job at the university. During that time I became an irregular smoker and mostly smoked when I drank or was stressed. I also tended to smoke when others around me were smoking. Then, in 2007 my boyfriend at the time who is now my husband and I got engaged. A few months into the engagement I began smoking everyday once again. One night, I woke up with my chest hurting. The next day I decided it was time to quit for good and I said goodbye to my cigarettes. My fiancee ended up helping me quit and I suffered terrible withdraw, but got through it.

Now I have been smoke free for a few years and it has not been an easy journey. Out of all the things I have given up and overcome, this was the hardest one to give up. If it weren't for that chest pain that night, I am not so sure I would have stayed smoke free for this long. I still miss it every now and then, but I know that I want to live a long and healthy life. My health is what keeps me from going back to being a smoker. Feel free to share your experiences in the comments. I am interested in reading what my readers have to say.

An Ode to Coffee, My Friend and My Lasting Addiction

Oh coffee how you keep me going everyday,
Let me count the numerous ways you help me.
When I must be awake and feel beaten to death,
You power me and revive me with your energy.


Through the spin cycle of school and work,
You keep me alive through everything that I do.
Without you I would not have the energy I need,
I crave you each morning and "sleepwalk" to you.

My nights of inadequate sleep are made easier;
Thanks to you I can complete my tiring tasks.
I thank you for guiding me these last few years.
You are more than a cup or three that I drink.

You also are my last remaining addiction I have.
As a lifetime addict to some substance or thing,
I drink you even on days I am simply at home.
I enjoy and crave your taste, smell, and affect.

I get a headache when I wait too long for you,
I feel too sleepy without your thunderbolt jolt.
I sometimes have trouble winding down at night,
If I drink you too late or too much during the day.

I have to have at least one cup to get through it all,
But I have days where I drink more than I should.
You power over me is as strong as one to a friend.
You get me through every task that I do each day.

I tried to quit before, but then I feel tired and icky.
I also feel the pull to do worse things to get the high.
So I keep you around to keep me straight and clean.
Thank you for being there through these long days.

For now I plan on keeping you around everyday,
No plans to take you out of my morning routine.
I will try hard to limit my cups of you each day.
I am not ready to let go of your jittery energy.

Lucky To Be Here Today

I am lucky to be alive today,
The trama from my past,
Could have ended my life.

The brusing of my nose,
Almost broke me once,
And made me afraid.

The inappropriate touches,
Made me unable to trust,
And unable to engage in life.

My dealings with relationships,
Will never feel fully functional,
The past has damaged me.

My ways of coping with abuse,
Could have put me in danger,
I am lucky to be okay today.

I am trying to learn how to live,
Without being abused or used,
and without turning to my vices.

If I go back to the way I was,
I will painfully kill myself slowly,
And I will not live my life fully.

That is why I fight to be better,
I am saving my life by being clean,
I can't let the past rule my destiny.

I have to let go of my past tramas,
And move on from my abuses,
Inflicted by others and myself.

I will live without self medicating,
I will let myself feel my emotions,
and I will work through them.

The rest of my life can be lived,
My past does not define today,
I can be functional and present.

I am lucky I didn't do worse,
So lucky to be beating addiction,
And not letting the beast beat me.

I can stay away from the triggers,
And I can continue to fight for me,
Because I want to be alive and well.

My tramas and my own medications,
They will no longer beat me down,
I am fighting back so I can live life.

Ending The Addiction Cycle

I just want something to numb the pain,
Yet I don’t want to be addicted again.
So tired of my past hurting me randomly,
Just when I believe I am healed and well.

Someone save me from my inner disease,
Save me from my own messed up mind.
My memories and emotions are troubling,
I need to let them go and move on again.

This time I would like to end the cycle,
This circle of moving on and going back.
I want to stop the inner crying in my head,
I want to stop the tears from leaking out.

I am done feeling sad about my past,
So done feeling guilty and regretful about life.
Time for me to move on ahead into the future,
See what good things I can do in my life.

I need to look at the positives in life,
For the sake of my sanity and well being.
I am done being a victim of my past,
I am ready to live in a better tomorrow.

I can conquer this vicious beast and be free,
I no longer need to cry about what is done.
Now is all about what there is left to do,
And how to do those things without an addiction.

I can conquer this if I trust and reach out to others,
Finally I can admit that I cannot change by myself.
Only a higher power and the help of others will work,
I have tried changing on my own and have failed.

However I can still change with some outside help,
I can be someone to be proud of in my future.
My past does not have to define me forever,
My present and future can redefine who I am.

I am ready to be someone else for the rest of my life,
I am ready to become my true self without apologies.
I surrender my old “happy” self I put up for others,
Today I am a new person and I finally am who I am.